Step 1:

Wash the vegetables if you are assembling the platters yourself.

Step 2:

Get out a big platter or tray and two or three baskets. If you don't have a tray or platter, wrap aluminum foil around a big piece of wood or the side of a cardboard box.

Step 3:

Chop up the Velveeta into chunks, dump in the beans and tomatoes, and microwave for a few minutes until you can stir it smooth. Set it aside.

Step 4:

Take the matching paper napkins for the party and line the baskets with them.

Step 5:

Slap the washed, dried romaine lettuce along the tray or platter, with the dark green part along the edges and the bottom parts all in the center.

Step 6:

Lay the meats and cheeses in an attractive pattern on the platter. I'd probably alternate them. Garnish with parsley, two orange slices, and two lemon slices. Put on table.

Step 7:

Dump the chips into a lined basket, and arrange the bread in the other one or two.

Step 8:

Put the Velveeta dip into a serving bowl. Stick a sprig of parsley into it and a lemon wedge. (It's good lukewarm, so don't freak out if it cools down!)

Step 9:

With a rubber spatula, spoon the condiments into small glass bowls. Garnish with parsley.

Step 10:

Unwrap the vegetable platters and put them on the table.

Step 11:

In a big punch bowl, mix half of the beverage ingredients you bought. Add the floating ice ring and all the leftover citrus slices you can float on top.

Step 12:

Put the cake and whatever other table decorations you want to use in a spot of honor on the table. Arrange the paper goods and relax! You've just catered it yourself!

Total estimated time (not including shopping or pre-ordering): 1½ hours.