In some cases, you may never even get to your wedding day. You and your fiancé may have made the difficult and painful decision that you would both be better off if you didn't get married. Worse yet, an illness or death may leave you needing to postpone the wedding. Whatever the circumstances, there are some guidelines to follow if your wedding plans change.

Postponed

My brother is seriously ill. He wants us to go ahead with the wedding if he dies, but I don't think this is proper. What should I do? Every situation is unique and should be treated as such. Thoughtful discussions with your families and clergy may be in order to finalize any decisions. In this circumstance, you should feel comfortable proceeding with the wedding in accordance with your brother's wishes. A poem, song, or Scripture reading during the ceremony could honor his memory, as could a toast at the reception. Toning down the jovial atmosphere and the music at your reception may be in order as well.

What is the etiquette for postponing a wedding? If the invitations have been printed and not yet mailed, you may include a printed card stating the new date, such as “The wedding date has been changed from April 12 to June 18.” If necessary, it is even okay to neatly cross out the date on the invitation and write in the correct one. If the invitations have already been mailed, a new announcement recalling the first invitation and stating the new date or the fact that the wedding has been postponed should be printed and mailed. A round of phone calls and emails can give your guests a heads-up on the change so they may adjust their travel plans.

Cancelled

My fiancé and I are calling off the wedding. What do I need to do? The etiquette for cancelling the wedding is the same no matter the reason. If the invitations have not gone out, let your close friends and families know first, either by phone or e-mail (yes, e-mail is acceptable). You can ask your parents for help in this matter. If you sent Save the Dates, you may need to expand this phone/e-mail list to include your entire guest list, especially if some guests will already be busy making travel plans. A card can be sent if there is enough time. As for the ring and the gifts, they need to be returned. After you have notified the guests, you will need to let your vendors know as well. Additionally, a short announcement should be sent to the newspaper that carried the original engagement announcement.

Keep It? Return It?

Should I keep my engagement ring or give it back to my fiancé? The ring should be returned to whoever purchased it, typically the man. However, some may argue that if the man broke the engagement, the woman is entitled to keep the ring. If the ring was a joint purchase, you will need to decide how to dispose of the ring and potentially split the profits. If the ring was an heirloom, it should be returned to the family of origin.

What should we do with the engagement or wedding gifts we've already received? You should return all gifts to their senders along with a note thanking them for their kindness but explaining that the wedding will not take place. This includes all gifts that have been monogrammed. If you received any checks or cash, you should send the money back as well. And if you jumped the gun a bit and already started using some of your wedding gifts, buy replacements and send them back. Under no circumstances should you send a used gift back to the sender.