Okay. So now you've been introduced to the bare facts of what you'll face when becoming a vampire. Now it's time to get down to the most important factors in your decision-making process — the ultimate pros and cons you must acknowledge and accept before letting some seductive neckaholic turn you into his or her Bloody Mary.

The Downside:

Brunch: There's no getting around the fact that mimosa brunches with your buddies will be a thing of the past. All food-related gatherings will require your claiming that you're on a permanent fast, or that you've already had lunch at your day job working at a blood bank.

Animal companions: Save for bats and wolves, pets are inadvisable. If for some reason you're unable to get your fangs on some poor unsuspecting human, Fluffy may become an hors d'oeuvre. PETA won't like that.

Bikinis: Unless you're a daywalker, that itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny designer swimsuit is going to rot in your closet for all eternity. You'll also bid farewell to tanning salons, surfing, and your Hawaiian timeshare.

Italian cuisine: Sadly, most vampires do have an aversion to garlic, which means saying arrivederci to lasagna, pizza, spaghetti carbon-ara and bolognese, and any other food item containing the dreaded stinking rose. On the positive side, you'll save on Listerine.

Coffins: If you're the type of vampire who's relegated to being boxed in, then you'd better get over your claustrophobia — and fast. If you're of the variety that can maintain a seminormal human existence, then rest easy — you can keep your Sleep Number bed.

Vanity: If you're one to stand in front of the mirror for hours preening like a peacock preparing for six months of mating, forget it. The last time you see yourself as a human is the last time you'll ever see yourself. Period. So prior to your being indoctrinated into the undead, make damn certain you're not wearing sweats and pink bunny slippers.

Family: Unless your entire family is comprised of vampires, prepare to sever all ties to parents, siblings, close and extended family, your favorite Uncle Joe, reunions, birthdays, holidays, and basically everyone you've ever known and every tradition you hold dear. Sending Christmas cards is inadvisable as your inevitable immortal enemies would love to play Satan Santa and suck your family dry.

The Upside:

Airports: If you're a flying vampire, travel will be cheap, there'll be no waiting for hours at airport security, and you won't have to relinquish seven dollars for a pillow and blanket on JetBlue. You might, however, enjoy flying on Virgin Air.

Sunglasses: Given that you'll likely be wearing them all the time and you could be quite wealthy, designer shades like Gucci and Chanel will be your best friend. The same goes for shoes and any other designer labels you adore. Please note that reanimating Coco Chanel is inadvisable.

Web surfing: The fact that you're an immortal means that you might possibly have enough time to peruse every single site on the Internet. Maybe. You may also have enough time to actually get through Tolstoy's War and Peace.

Aging: Immortals don't age one iota from the day of their rebirth, so the need for designer antiwrinkle creams, moisturizers, plastic surgery, and anything containing antioxidents, argeriline, or Botox is officially negated.

Politics: There's absolutely no need to take sides or dwell on any political issue whatsoever. If you want to endorse a candidate or adversely discredit one, just hypnotize said politician to suit your evil purposes.

Medical insurance: A substantial savings for all vampires, as your self-healing abilities eliminate the need for HMOs and copayments. Dental visits are easily acquired with a bit of hypnosis.

Given all of this vital information, the choice of becoming a nefarious nightcrawler is entirely in your hands. Choose wisely and know that whichever way you go, immortality, as with all epic temptations, can give you more than just heartburn. That said, we now switch gears and offer up a bit of advice in regard to vampire detection.