Sexual Abuse
While parents worry about perverts leaping from the bushes to attack their child, in 80 percent of sex abuse cases the child knows and trusts the perpetrator. The distressing truth is that fathers, stepfathers, and other adult relatives are the most common abusers. While parents oust homosexual teachers from classrooms for fear they will harm their sons, 90 percent of the perpetrators against boys are heterosexual males. Children age ten to twelve are in the second-highest risk group for being sexually abused.
Familiar DangerSigns that a child has been sexually abused include having a venereal disease; being suddenly shy around men; not wanting to be alone with their father, stepfather, or a particular male relative; sexual acting out or a compulsive interest in sex; marked withdrawal from peers or aggressiveness toward them; and decline in school grades. Having an emotionally available mother provides a protective factor for girls even if the mother is physically absent much of the time. Girls are more at risk if they are emotionally needy.
In a 1998 survey by the Commonwealth Fund, 7 percent of girls in grades five to eight said they had been sexually abused. Thirty-four percent of the perpetrators were family members and 59 percent were acquaintances. Only 7 percent of the perpetrators were strangers to the victim. (Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement. Washington, D.C.: Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice, 2000.)
Be sure your child knows that no one is allowed to touch her in a way that makes her uncomfortable, and that includes teachers, neighbors, coaches, and other family members. Be sure she knows, too, that if someone swears her to secrecy, she must not keep the secret under any circumstances. Tell her that if someone does touch her she must tell you, and promise to stand by her if it happens.
Forewarn her that abusers try to manipulate children in predictable ways. They say that no one will believe her if she tells (which is ridiculous, since people are very aware of the problem of child abuse these days), and they threaten to harm someone she loves (which is impossible, because the parent would contact the police immediately).
Take seriously your child's claims that a family member or friend has abused her. Either something has really happened or her invented accusations are a sign that she needs psychological help. Instead of trying to sort out exactly what happened, contact the local police for help so that a professional trained to interview children can speak with her. The police will notify the Department of Human Services so that a social worker can take a statement and advise you how to proceed.
Stranger DangerThe good news is that it is highly unlikely that your child will have to cope with a truly dangerous stranger. Still, you need to keep track of your tweens' whereabouts, teach him his phone number and address, show him how to place a collect call, tell him who to contact in the event of an emergency, and establish a family code word or phrase for use in emergencies. The phrase can be anything (such as “After dinner I will walk the neighbor's dog”). You can share the phrase in an emergency when you need someone your child doesn't know well to provide emergency transportation.
When teaching your tween the following don'ts so he can protect himself from stranger danger, remind him that bad people who hurt children are actually very rare. You don't want your youngster to live in fear. You do want him to know how to protect himself in the highly unlikely event he runs into someone who might want to harm him.
Don't answer the door unless an adult is at home. If it's important, the visitor will return later.
Don't let telephone callers know that no parent is at home. Instruct your child to say you are sleeping, busy at the moment, or indisposed.
Don't walk alone at night. Instead, your tween should call for a ride. Be sure she knows how to place a collect call.
Don't walk or ride bikes alone in secluded areas. Your youngster should have a companion.
Don't let a stranger separate you from a group of children. Everyone should lock arms and run away together. It might be possible to carry off one child, but it's almost impossible to take off with two if they resist.
Don't accept candy or toys from strangers. Explain that normal adults give presents to their own child, to young friends and relatives, or donate to charity. They don't walk up to people they don't even know and offer gifts.
Don't fall for common ploys, like “I need help finding my lost dog/cat” and requests for directions. Emphasize that adults who truly need help ask another adult or the police, not a child.
Don't let a stranger touch you under the area that would be covered by a swimsuit. Scream, “No! Help! Police!”
Don't go off with a stranger or get into a stranger's car unless he or she knows the special family code word or phrase.
Teach your child that if a stranger approaches him, he should say, “No! I'm not allowed to talk to strangers! Don't talk to me!” loudly enough to attract attention while crossing his arms tightly in front of his chest so he can't be grabbed. Someone who meant no harm will respect his wishes and back off, as will dangerous strangers since they are afraid of getting caught.
Handle stranger-danger discussions in as reassuring a manner as possible. People who jump out of the bushes to assault and abduct children make big headlines but are actually rarities. Tweens cannot live happily when they are living in fear. Moreover, they need to be able to reach out to a stranger for help if they do run into a serious problem.
If a stranger persists after being told to go away or tries to force your child into a car, separate him from friends, or lure him into an isolated area, he needs to run away and should scream, “Help!” and “Somebody call the police!” to attract attention. Once he has escaped, he should look for a city worker, mail carrier, or utility-repair person. They are ideal in an emergency since most carry cell phones and can readily notify the police. Otherwise, an endangered child should run to any nearby public place, such as a store, restaurant, gas station, or playground if other people are there, and insist that the police be called immediately. In a residential area, any house can be approached, but it is best if someone is home. If it looks like no one in the neighborhood is at home, tell him to run toward the back door of the nearest house as if it were his own, knock or ring the bell, then hide in the yard and wait to see if someone comes to the door. He should tell whoever answers to call the police but should wait on the porch until help arrives rather than going inside a stranger's house.
If someone actually grabs your child, he should collapse to the ground so he'll be harder to carry, yell and scream to attract attention, and bite, kick, and scratch so as not to be carried off.
Online SafetyIf your child surfs the Internet, participates in chat rooms, and sends e-mail, you must supervise what she's doing. It's best to keep the computer in a family room so you can see for yourself what she's up to when you walk by.
Contact your Internet service provider to see what services are available to prevent children from visiting sites containing unsuitable material (blocking) and to screen out objectionable e-mail (filtering). Like movies, many Web sites are rated for suitability.
The number-one safety rule is for children never to give out personal information, not their names and especially not their addresses or phone numbers. To reduce temptation, help develop information for a fictitious character so that your child can give it in lieu of personal information. Have her invent and write down a first and last name, address including zip code, phone number, age, and an online name she can use each time she's asked. Otherwise, she's likely to forget what pseudonyms and other identifying information she gave to which sites. That adds to the temptation to use real information since it's easier to remember.
Your child must never send her picture unless you approve it and must not meet face-to-face with an online friend or acquaintance unless you physically accompany her to meet in a public place. Online sexual predators may pretend to be children. Warn her that being asked to keep something secret from her parents for any reason is a sign that something is wrong, so she should always tell you immediately. It is easy for a twelve-year-old girl to develop a crush on a boy she has met online or become best friends with an online pen pal and agree to meet him in person, never guessing her correspondent is a middle-aged male.
According to the Census Bureau, approximately four out of five tweens spend time online. Computer literacy is a must for every child. There are enough educational games to provide a first-class K–12 education. The Internet puts the best and the worst of the world at tweens' fingertips. Supervise carefully.
Advise your youngster never to respond to e-mails or messages in chat rooms that contain anything sexual, obscene, threatening, belligerent, or angry, and to tell you about anything that makes her in any way afraid or uncomfortable. Any child pornography that either of you stumble into should be reported to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children's Cyber Tipline by calling
