Ending Squabbles
A younger sibling is screaming that she wants to go into your tween's bedroom. It is easy to accuse your tween of being selfish when he can't explain his need for privacy. Trust that his need to relax and reflect while engaging in some quiet activity is equally pressing. Teach him how to set gentle but firm limits with intruders — including with you.
The fastest way to end sibling conflict is to stay out of children's arguments and refuse to take sides. For many families this is only step one, however. If you are present when your children bicker, you may be forced to get involved, either because you can't bear to listen to them anymore or because they escalate until it becomes obvious that someone really might get hurt. In that case, you need to proceed to step two: separating them until they can cool down and figure out how to get along. Like conquering any other problem, tackling sibling conflicts takes quite a bit of time and energy at the outset. Here is what you need to do:
Teach your child that it always takes two to argue but only one to stop an argument.
Forbid hitting and fighting.
Don't try to sort out who-did-what-to-whom, who started it, or who had it first.
Don't take the side of the child who owns the toy that was taken or the child whose space was violated.
Help each child to verbalize what he is angry about.
Help each child to verbalize what he is
Suggest solutions if you have any, but let the children decide how to proceed.
Separate combatants by assigning a time-out until they can come up with a proposal they both can agree to.
If they prefer to let the matter drop, insist they take responsibility for their part in the conflict and apologize, if appropriate.
Express pride in their ability to work out their differences.
You can't make your children like one another, but by avoiding the words and deeds that discourage them from getting along, and by teaching them how to resolve their squabbles and spats, you can help to make family life a lot more pleasant for everyone.
There is a difference between sharing your impressions and giving your opinions about how to solve sibling disputes versus imposing settlements and solutions. Do express concern if one child always seems to defer to another. Rather than taking his side, teach him to be assertive so he can hold his own, not only with his sibling but with other children. Express your concern to the child who always seems to win every battle by hook or by crook. Help him understand that giving in and compromising are the true marks of a winner when he's playing on a team — and a family is a team.
There is no guarantee that your kids will suddenly become great friends or like one another as adults, but siblings who enjoy one another reap some special rewards. Although their memories and impressions of their childhoods will necessarily differ, no one else can come so close to understanding what it was like way back when. By virtue of having shared parents and so many formative experiences, brothers and sisters help one another remain connected to their pasts. That, in turn, connects children to themselves.
