Mark was an easygoing child whose claim to fame was that he got along well with most everyone. He rarely squabbled with his siblings, was liked by his teachers, had lots of little girls chasing him around the schoolyard, and enjoyed skateboarding and playing foosball with friends at the recreation center.

His grades were decent, and although he needed plenty of reminders about starting his homework, cleaning up his room, doing his chores, and getting ready for bed, his parents were able to keep him on track without much difficulty. If he did step out of line, the threat of losing a privilege or being grounded was usually enough for him to straighten up.

Mark's parents sometimes worried that between their own busy work schedules and the shadows cast by his successful older brother and difficult younger sister, Mark wasn't getting his fair share of attention. His brother was an academic superstar and award-winning gymnast who competed at various local and state meets; his sister's difficult behavior and learning problems usurped a lot of their time. However, Mark seemed happy enough and was more interested in being with his friends than with the family anyway.

In seventh grade, Mark's personality changed. He would promise to do his chores and then not do them. He said he didn't have homework when he did, picked at his brother and sister, and argued with his parents about every little thing. Mark was constantly losing his telephone privileges and being grounded. Although he protested loudly that his parents had no right to keep him from his shows and friends, they couldn't help but notice the pattern.

As long as Mark was serving a “no telephone/no going out” sentence, he studied, did his chores, built model airplanes, and became the cooperative, easygoing boy they had always known. As soon as his privileges were restored, his mood darkened and he began acting up again. It almost appeared as though Mark wanted them to ground him.

When they brought Mark in for counseling, they learned that when tweens need more separation from their peers, they often look to their parents to rein them back in. The counselor recommended they find a family activity or hobby, make better use of the little time they had together, and severely limit Mark's time with his friends outside of school. His parents followed the advice and were surprised that Mark actually seemed relieved.

Mark's mother had always wanted to learn Chinese cooking and decided to take it up and involve her son. He seemed uninterested at first, but the idea of learning to chop vegetables at lightning speed and make authentic Peking duck captured his fancy. A few weeks later he announced that he wanted to be a chef at a five-star restaurant when he grew up. Having him participate as an equal in planning and cooking dinners had more of an impact than they would have believed possible.

Growing Away

Most tweens appear to have little interest in spending much time with parents, siblings, and relatives. Despite complaints of being bored, they refrain from participating in routine family tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and yard work. They resist accompanying their parents on regular errands, too, preferring to hang around the house even if they have nothing in particular to do.

Many older tweens don't want to go on family outings and vacations unless they can bring along a friend. Some act as though being seen with family members in public is too much of a humiliation to bear. Parents conclude the obvious: Their tween doesn't need or want to spend more time with the family. However, this conclusion is wrong. Few tweens get as much family time as they need and want.