An entire generation is being systematically desensitized to violence via television shows, music, and video and computer games. If you don't outright forbid PG-13 and R-rated movies, sexy sitcoms, dramas filled with blood and gore, and cartoons with adult themes, screen them before letting your tween watch them. Alternatively, watch them with your child so you can discuss them. Similarly, listen to tapes and CDs that bear parental advisory labels before buying. Don't let your tween buy or play video and computer games rated T for “Teens.” Stick to those rated E for “Everyone.”

Avoid buying violent toys, too. That may mean that your tween will pick up a stick and pretend to shoot it, imagine that a clump of dirt is a grenade, and picture his rival's face while pummeling a punching bag. These are normal tween boy pastimes that may help them harmlessly discharge some of their pent-up aggression. That doesn't mean you have to buy replicas of semiautomatic guns so your child can get a more realistic sense that he is killing others and wreaking mass destruction.

Gang Troubles

It is no mystery that so many older tweens are attracted to gangs. They provide lonely tweens with a sense of family and belonging, and a child who lacks friends may prefer joining a pack of troublemaking peers to being alone. Fatherless boys appreciate the clarity of gang rules, the rituals, and the initiation into manhood. Gangs offer protection from bullies, though often gang members are the bullies who intimidate other children into joining.

If there is a gang at your school, notify the school administration and local police. If your child is in a gang, seek counseling for him immediately, find a same-sex mentor he can bond with, and sign him up for some extracurricular activities where he can find friends and a sense of purpose and belonging.

Bullies out of Control

“I'm having a party, and you're not invited.” “I'm going to tell everybody that you said Sheri is a no-good, and they'll believe me.” “Don't play with her! She's got germs!” While boys typically bully through physical intimidation, girls are more prone to engage in psychological warfare, relying on the power of the spoken word to devastate their enemy of the moment.

Bullying is as normal for tweens as rush-hour traffic jams and accidents are for adults, but that doesn't reduce the cost to everyone involved. The victim suffers shame, humiliation, fear, helplessness, and loneliness. The emotional battering has precipitated many tween suicide attempts and has been implicated in school shootings. Children not directly involved in bullying learn the terrible lesson: Say the wrong thing, antagonize the wrong person, and you could be next.

Here are the common signs that a child is being bullied:

Depression (typical signs include difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, difficulty concentrating, sadness or irritability, deterioration in grades).

Not wanting to go to school.

Bruises or clothing that is dirty.

Lost clothing, school supplies, books, and/or money (due to items being stolen).

Excessive hunger after school (due to food or lunch money being stolen).

Excessive hurry to use the bathroom after school (due to fears of using the bathroom at school).

Some children inadvertently make themselves targets of bullying. They need to learn to say, “I'm sorry” if they inadvertently hurt or antagonize someone and must not be too quick to take offense when teased. Since bullies thrive on the reaction they get, delivering the old standby “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me” and walking off can often deter them. However, some bullies up the ante, escalating until they wear down their victim. Contact your child's teachers, principal, and the local police.

Bullies can only function as long as the children who know someone is being mistreated are too intimidated to step in. Zero-tolerance policies help. School-wide programs that teach children to take a stand against bullies by banding together and that impart the skills needed to thwart them are very effective.

Bob Kanegis and Liz Manual of Future WAVE (Working for Alternatives to Violence through Entertainment) recommend teaching the Ha-Has approach to dealing with bullying:

H is for help. Tweens should be told to seek help from an adult if they can't handle bullying on their own.

A is for assertiveness. Children should clearly tell a bully that they don't like being called names or mistreated. “How would you like it if someone said that to you?” is a good comeback.

H is for humor. Always a good way to disarm an adversary, joking can diffuse a tense situation. When teased about his small stature, one boy said, “My mom predicted this would happen if I didn't eat my spinach, but I can't stand the stuff. If your mother serves it to you, I'd suggest you clean your plate.” When called a chicken, another boy flapped his arms and clucked.

A is for avoidance. Advise your child to stay away from a bully.

S is for self-talk. To avoid being beaten down by insults, tweens need to remind themselves that bullies try to make others feel bad because they are unhappy people. They learn to bully by being bullied, usually by their parents.

The verbal sniping on sitcoms and commercials teaches youngsters how to dis one another. It may be hard for them to understand that what is funny in the staged make-believe electronic world isn't funny in real life. If they don't, pull the TV plug.

Taking Teasing in Stride

Unlike bullying, teasing is meant to be humorous and isn't meant to wound, threaten, or intimidate. It stops when a child says, “That hurts my feelings,” “Don't call me that,” or “I don't like being teased about that.” Other children aren't afraid to intervene if the teasing gets out of hand, whereas they are reluctant to intervene during bullying for fear of being attacked. Helping your tween to ward off teasing today can help her ward off bullying tomorrow.

A few children take teasing in stride, but most tweens get their feelings hurt and more sensitive souls are deeply wounded by it. Trying to toughen children by criticizing their reactions to being teased or blaming them for having provoked someone into teasing them usually causes them to feel that everyone is against them, with the predictable result that they become more rather than less reactive to perceived slights. Trying to stage a rescue is also problematic because it communicates that your child cannot cope with being teased. The way to strengthen your tween is to provide empathy, support, and/or reassurance. Concrete advice about how to handle being teased can help, too. Negative responses will probably make your child feel as though you're against her, too. Positive responses help to strengthen your child so she is less hurt by teasing.

Empathizing: “It sounds as though she hurt your feelings.”

Supporting: “It used to hurt my feelings when kids teased me about wearing glasses.”

Reassuring: “Personally, I think your freckles are cute. Perhaps they tease because they're jealous.”

Advising: “Maybe she's trying to joke with you and doesn't realize that she's hurting your feelings. Ask her to please stop.”

• The “Just Say No” Fallacy
• Troubled Tweens