Changing Tween Values
It is virtually impossible for a child to watch an ongoing stream of commercials about the horrors of bad breath, foot odor, acne, uncontrollable hair, freckles, thin lips, crooked teeth, and extra pounds without becoming painfully self-conscious. Parents need to help tweens appreciate their bodies even though their physiques don't match the pop ideal.
Contradict your child if he complains about his appearance and he may conclude you just don't understand. Instead, empathize and help him put his feelings into perspective. No, he doesn't look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but few people do.
Never tease your youngster or make comments about his body that are even mildly disparaging. Record numbers of tweens of both sexes react to “lookism” by taking drastic but largely ineffective measures to try to control their weight via extreme diets.
Tween FashionsLots of parents are shocked by modern tween fashions, which from their perspective are overtly sexual. However, tween girls aren't necessarily trying to seduce boys when they don skimpy Spandex dresses, skintight pants, short shorts and skirts, and T-shirts that bare their midriffs. Tweens want to dress like the heroines in rock videos, movies, and magazines.
American third graders average thirty hours per week watching TV and only two and a half hours reading. In a year students spend about as much time in front of the TV as in they do in school.
A century ago, a flash of female wrist or glimpse of ankle was racy enough to leave boys panting. Now bare legs, arms, and stomachs aren't considered the signs of a fallen woman. Tween boys appreciate the modern fashions but don't find skimpy outfits especially erotic because they see them all the time.
Still, letting tween girls wear revealing clothes can cause problems. Grandma will probably be shocked and more conservative parents will disapprove. A developed ten-year-old may appear provocative to male members of the older generation, and teenage boys may think she is their age. As long as she is surrounded by her peers, she looks like everyone else. Outside this safety zone, she may end up with more attention than she can handle.
When Tweens Dress Like TeensDon't take the position that only bad or promiscuous girls wear revealing clothes or makeup — that will confuse your tween. If some of her perfectly nice friends wear that style, you may end up losing credibility. Don't suggest that she must be bad or promiscuous for wanting to wear certain clothes, either. She may define herself accordingly and live out the role you assigned her.
Rather than arguing and criticizing your child's choices, teach her how to make good ones. Tell her the following:
“That skirt is too tight for you. Find one that fits looser.”
“Your nipples show through that top. If I buy it for you, you would have to wear something under it.”
“Those pants are too loose at the waist. They're sliding down in back.”
Don't foist the fashions you loved during your tween years on your child. If she rejects your suggestions, agree to disagree until she can find something she likes that you are willing to spend money on. That way, she still gets to choose her clothes, but you can veto items you disapprove of.
If your tween becomes upset about your refusal to buy certain clothes and storms about, that doesn't mean you have to do the same. Just explain your reasons, be clear about your rules, and stick to them. If you decide to change them, explain your reasons and be clear about the new ones, too.
