Interacting with Tweens
The lack of words may make you feel as though you are losing touch with your child, but the truth is more likely to be that your child has lost touch with herself. Most tweens are too busy looking outward and experiencing the moment to ponder what is happening inside of them and assess their reactions. They are too busy living life to think too much about it.
Hence, when you ask your tween how she feels about something, don't assume she's holding out on you when she gives you the standard “I dunno” response. She probably doesn't know. Moreover, she probably doesn't care to know. Most tweens work very hard to avoid feelings.
It's good to keep asking tweens how they feel about things and suggest some possibilities, such as “maybe that hurt your feelings” or “I bet that made you mad,” but don't expect a quick response, and don't feel rejected if none is forthcoming. It's hard for tweens, especially boys, to identify and express their emotions.
When adults confront tweens with their misdeeds or omissions and seek to convince them of the error of their ways, conversations usually follow a predictable course. While upset parents and teachers deliver long-winded lectures, plead, and interrogate young criminals to get them to “fess up, shape up, and fly right,” the tween side of the conversation is likely to go like this:
“No, I didn't do it. Okay, yeah, I did. Yeah — I mean no — I don't know why I did it. Yeah — I mean, um, no, I didn't mean to. I dunno — I guess I just forgot. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno. Okay, yeah, I promise. Okay: I promise that from now on I will. … Could you say it again 'cause I forgot? Well, you could maybe ground me/take away the TV/take away my allowance/spank me? No — I dunno/sure/maybe that would help.”
It's no wonder tweens find confrontations with peers far easier to manage. When an outraged peer points out a faux pas and yells, “You idiot!” or whatever put-down is in vogue, the tween who has been accused can simply roll his eyes at the accuser and exclaim, “Whatever!” before walking on. Yet the peer has driven home the very same message the parent spent an hour trying to get across: The tween has committed some sort of no-no, and somebody is mad about it.
Exactly what the crime of the moment consists of doesn't much matter; tweens cannot in good conscience promise to mend their ways, because they may well commit the very same crime in the future. They may feel horrendously guilty, but guilt may not stop them from making the same mistake again. When adults force promises that the same problem will never again occur, tweens will, of course, agree. And when they break that promise, it doesn't mean they told a lie! At the moment they gave their word, they meant it. They are sorry for messing up again, and they will be sorry the next time, too.
Of course you should talk to your tween, discuss problems, and you certainly should
Be aware that raising your voice and demanding answers aren't effective ways to get your tween to open up and explain herself. In fact, many of your questions may remain unanswered for years. The challenge is to keep the lines of communication open so that your tween will talk when he needs to.
