Lots of girls begin relating to their mothers as rivals. They may escalate conflicts so that Dad will step in and side with them against their mother, or at least offer some sympathetic solace. This can drive mothers up the wall, and many are upset because they believe that their husbands are allowing themselves to be manipulated by a demon child who turns into sweetness and light when he appears.

While fathers need to insist their daughters remain respectful toward their mothers, the chance to confide in and be comforted by a male is important for girls. By consoling their daughters without denigrating their wives, fathers can lessen the intensity of the mother-daughter relationship and help girls obtain the emotional space they need to emerge from their mothers' shadows and separate emotionally.

Nurturing Femininity

Even tweens who withdraw from their mothers' hugs may still be receptive to hugs from Dad. Affection from a father can be especially reassuring at a time when a girl is worrying about her attractiveness to members of the opposite sex. In fact, it is common for older tween girls to relate to fathers and father figures somewhat coquettishly, although girls are not conscious of doing this.

Ideally, fathers will respond to their unintentional flirtations by gently helping their daughters understand what behaviors are acceptable. By letting them know that they are indeed attractive young ladies, fathers can affirm their daughters' femininity and reassure them that they are what they hope to be: delightful women-in-the-making whom men are destined to fall in love with some day.

As a father responds to his daughter's flirtatiousness, he can simultaneously help her understand what is acceptable and what is overly provocative. Many girls more readily accept such limits and nudges toward modesty from their fathers than from their mothers. However, most fathers feel a bit overwhelmed and may not know how to set limits without alienating their daughter. In that case, a mother may need to step in to insist on more modest behavior, simultaneously affirming the fact that the daughter is turning into a young woman.

It is important to remember that even tweens who relate to their father or brothers in what appears to be a blatantly sexual manner aren't trying to be seductive or test limits. When they come galloping out of the bedroom in their nighties, run to and from the shower wrapped in a towel, and don a skimpy bikini for a family beach outing, it never occurs to them how adults might react to their blossoming figures. To treat your daughter like a temptress can simultaneously shame her, confuse her, alienate her, and damage her self-esteem. Worse, she may begin to live the part you have assigned her. Remember: Tween girls are simply being what they are — young girls with bodies that are maturing much faster than their concept of themselves.