Girls' fascination with relationships infuses almost all of their activities. Their favorite books are stories about people, and young tweens are often more concerned with how everybody is getting along than with what they are doing. This is in marked contrast to boys, who can argue endlessly and call it fun. Older tween girls work hard to understand their friends' feelings, actions, and motivations. Still, turning the mirrors on themselves to ponder the whys and wherefores of their own behavior requires complex mental gymnastics they aren't very adept at performing.

Young Tween Friendships

Young tweens like to have someone special to serve in the role of best friend, although the person who fills that lofty role may change from day to day. The glue that holds young tween girlfriends together is equal parts shared interests and compatible personalities.

Although your young tween can probably identify which girls in her class are the popular ones, and while she might like to have the top-dog status of an “alpha girl,” she is probably content to belong to the crowd of “gamma girls.” These girls have a number of friends, or perhaps just one or two like-minded friends with whom they are particularly close, and some interests or activities they are quite passionate about. At ages eight and nine, those could be anything from collecting stuffed animals to dancing lessons.

Although young tweens get their feelings hurt if they are left out at recess or teased on the playground, their main concern is about pleasing their parents and teachers. If a child worries a lot about not making the grade academically or dislikes her looks, personality, or social status, she is likely to be reacting to the disapproval from the adults who matter most to her. Whether parents' disapproval is overt or covert, real or imagined, their opinions will loom large in how a girl views herself.

Young girls differ in their attitudes toward boys. Little “tomboys” have more athletic interests and prefer boys as companions and playmates. Although such girls may be teased for their boyish ways, they tend to remain more assertive during the older tween years and are less likely to suffer the crisis of confidence that besets girls whose interests are more stereotypically feminine.

However, many young tweens make it clear that they dislike all boys. They don't take kindly to having their hair pulled or being chased and want nothing whatsoever to do with them. Tween girls may need help to understand that these small torments are how young boys flirt. They benefit from being taught how to protect themselves from unwanted advances by being encouraged to say, “No, don't do that! I don't like it!” “If you want to be my friend, you've got to stop doing that.” “If you want to play, you must ask me nicely.” Many young tweens have a secret crush on one or more boys, and many have someone they refer to as their boyfriend. Being part of a tween “couple” means they greet each other in the halls and talk during recess. Some more sophisticated couples may hold hands or even see a movie together.

Older Tween Friendships

Girls become extremely self-conscious during the latter tween years, and most women are emphatic that this constituted the most difficult and unhappy period of their lives. Girls feel as if they are always on stage and the curtain is always up; they find it impossible to believe that others aren't scrutinizing them as intensely as they scrutinize themselves. They become sensitive to interpersonal criticism to the point that a raised eyebrow from a friend or an unkind word from a peer carrying the coveted title of “popular” can engender tremendous misery. Not being invited to a party or being ignored in the hall can precipitate an agony of self-doubt or even despair.

Many parents, and even some professionals, attribute preadolescent girls' intense mood swings and emotional fragility to hormones. Since the untoward emotional reactions typically intensify at about age twelve, which is also the average age for entering puberty, it seems reasonable to assume that hormonal changes are indeed responsible. However, at other times in U.S. history, the increased emotionality, self-consciousness, moodiness, and boy craziness didn't start until long after puberty. Further, not all girls go through a period of instability. In cultures where they do, the timing coincides with the onset of the dating game.

The intense social pressures girls experience are probably largely responsible for their crisis of confidence. Having other interests and receiving consistent infusions of emotional support from their families can help them remember that there is more to life than being part of the in-crowd and being liked by boys. However, girls tend to withdraw from activities and easily alienate their parents with their moodiness and irritability, which can make it hard for them to find positive outlets and receive the positive affirmations they need at the time they most need them.

During the second half of the tween years, fitting in and conforming become all-consuming goals for most youngsters. Being liked by the right boy can assume life-and-death proportions. Even girls who are not yet particularly interested in boys or clothes or makeup may act as though they are. They may feign interest in having a boyfriend while secretly worrying about their failure to develop at the same rate as their friends. If they aren't as physically developed as their peers, girls are likely to feel as if they are being left behind.

Meanwhile, girls who develop early endure so much teasing and harassment from boys that they suffer, too. It is important to let your daughter know that tween boys become so nervous around a girl who is turning into a woman that they just “lose it.” They focus all of their fears and worries about growing up and becoming men on the girl who is the first to start to look like a woman. Although she probably dislikes her tormentors so much she wouldn't want to step out of her way to help them, she might consider that by starting to teach them how to treat a woman properly, she'd be doing them and the other girls a service. Assertive comments like “You may think that's funny, but women take offense at those kinds of comments. The sooner you learn that, the better off you're going to be” can help drive the message home.

The most important thing is to emphasize that the maltreatment doesn't signify that something is wrong with her. Reassure her that as the boys mature, they'll be less threatened by female sexuality. Then they'll be able to relate to her as a person and appreciate her beautiful body instead of feeling overwhelmed.

Dating can have more serious implications in the later tween years. Although “going with” someone for three days still qualifies as a long-term relationship in most junior high schools and many first kisses happen during a game of spin the bottle, some couples advance to serious petting.

In urban junior high schools, couples may conduct more intense sexual liaisons. It is no longer such a rarity for a twelve-year-old to get pregnant.