Getting Tweens to Open Up
Figuring out how your tween is getting along can be difficult, since children at this stage dislike personal conversation. Questioning helps teenagers to feel that their parents care but may backfire for tweens, causing them to feel intruded upon.
If something particularly wonderful or terrible happened during the day, it probably won't occur to your tween that your questions are a way to get her to share it. Try being more direct: “What was the best thing that happened to you at school today? What was the worst?”
Children in this age group aren't particularly self-reflective to begin with, so innocent parental questions of the how-are-you/how-was-your-day variety can be as difficult for tweens to respond to as the why-did-you/ how-could-you-have/whatever-were-you-thinking barrages to which they are so often subjected.
Of course, they quickly learn to go through the motions of a conversation by saying that they are “fine,” school was “okay,” and anything they were worried about turned out to be “no big deal.” It's when parents try to have sit-down talks about something they consider truly important that problems arise.
Combine tweens' difficulty using words to express themselves with their propensity to become overwhelmed during emotional exchanges, and it isn't surprising that they work so hard to avoid personal discussions. If you insist that your tween respond verbally or demand reassurance that he has heard and understood, tensions may heat up and conversations bog down.
Important information is likely to burst forth from your tween when you least expect it, which may be when you are otherwise occupied. Do your best to listen instead of postponing the conversation. Once the moment has passed, it is hard for tweens to recapture the emotions and find the right words.
Formulating Questions
Questions that have a single right answer and can easily be answered with one or two words are called “closed questions” because they tend to discourage conversations and bring them to a close. Open-ended questions encourage conversation by inviting a more detailed response. Hence, they encourage uncommunicative youngsters to open up. The below table provides some examples of closed, open-ended, and general questions.
Closed questions elicit very brief answers |
Open-ended questions elicit more complex answers |
General questions elicit non-answers |
“Did your science class start the unit on snakes?” |
“What did you learn about snakes today in science?” |
“What did you learn in school today?” |
“What kind of cake was served at the party?” |
“What did the kids do at the party?” |
“How was the party?” |
“What book did you choose for your oral book report?” |
“What was the book about?” |
“How did your oral book report go?” |
“Did you have fun at recess? |
“What did the girls do during recess today? |
“How was school today? |
Most professionals urge parents to ask lots of open-ended questions to demonstrate interest and caring, and so they can keep up with the happenings in their children's life. While it is important to do what you can to keep the conversations going, you're not likely to reap the promised benefits. Open-ended questions are too difficult for tweens, so they often draw non-answers. For instance, when you ask the question every teacher in America urges parents to ask regularly, “What did you learn in school today?” you're likely to get the typical tween answer, “Nothing,” or a shrug.
If you ask a general question and get no meaningful response, try being more specific by following up with either a closed question (“Did you have your spelling test?”) or a very specific open-ended question (“Tell me what your class did in science today.”).
Nevertheless, there are some good reasons to provide lots of openings for your tween to talk. Engaging your child in conversation will help her develop her verbal skills.
By combining easy-to-answer closed questions with the more challenging open-ended questions, you can encourage your tween to share more without overwhelming her. It's good to keep asking, as long as you don't demand a response!
