The Many Strategies of the Victim Child
Diverse family situations and the many different possible temperaments of a child unite to create unique expressions of strategies and masks in every person. Some of these strategies are learned by copying parents, and some in resistance to parents. Others simply arise from a combination of experiences. In the mastery of awareness, the Toltec master invites his apprentices to be aware of these strategies and masks, and evaluate their usefulness in adult life.
How can I see my masks if I am wearing them?
The first trick is to acknowledge that you are wearing masks. Then it is good to look in a mirror. Toltec masters and other teachers serve as clear mirrors to reflect back your masks and strategies, without judgment. Then it is up to you to use the tools they teach you to release your attachment to the masks.
What follows are more of the common survival strategies and masks adopted by creative children to cope with less-than-perfect parenting situations. If you recognize any of them as yours, remember to do so in gratitude for the resourcefulness of your child self, not in judgment. It is only by embracing yourself with acceptance and love that you are able to transform your dream on the Toltec path.
The Helper Needs to Help
In families in which parents are distracted by work, alcohol, drugs, depression, or illness, a child may learn that the only way to get attention and get his basic needs met is to help the adults in some way. The variations on the “helper” strategy are the “caretaker,” “codependent,” “rescuer,” “enabler,” and “hero.”
The helper strategy wears a mask that says, “I am okay, I don't need anything. I see that you need help, and I can help you.” To be a helper is to believe that someone needs you to rescue, teach, heal, or support him in some way. The victim loves to see a rescuer coming, because she can surrender and be taken care of. Addicts of all kinds love enablers, who will take care of them by supporting their denial and protecting them from the truth of their addiction. The helper chooses victims for romantic relationships, as employees, and for friends. He knows that he will always be needed.
The selfless appearance of the helper makes it another strategy that is usually rewarded in Western cultures. It appears to conform to religious teachings of self-sacrifice and love, but when help is giving only to get something in return, it is not actually giving at all.
The Victim Needs Help
The victim needs the attention of the helper to give her the approval, care, safety, or empowerment that she craves and believes she does not deserve. By being needy and nonthreatening as a victim, she can attract helpers to solve her problems, loan her money, and listen to her stories about her unsuccessful relationships. The helper lover says, “Go ahead, put your head on my shoulder, it is okay to cry.” A helper employer might say, “My door is always open. My employees are always free to come in and share their lives and problems with me.”
Helping others is a wonderful way to share your love. When your help is offered freely without any expectation of reward or any attachment to the outcome, you are not using a strategy. When someone helps others in order to get love or gratitude in return, he or she is using a childhood strategy, and not really giving at all.
You will see that many of these strategies find their opposite in adult life, especially romantically, and bond with each other. Each person feels whole through the synergy of the combination, but also secretly judges the quality of his or her opposite. This phenomenon creates much suffering in relationships of all kinds.
