When a child hears enough of those judgments, she learns to agree she is not good enough, smart enough, or careful enough the way she is. She knows she must get it right, or she will not be tolerated as a member of her family unit. To protect herself from being banished, she learns all the expectations of her family, and all the judgments that enforce them. She internalizes the voices into a recording that can play in her mind twenty-four hours a day, even when she is alone.

As one Toltec apprentice told his teacher, “I always make myself wrong for everything I do! I thought since my mother taught me that way, I should do it that way, too. I have a judge for every occasion!”

Many of the judgments were not spoken directly, nor were they necessarily abusive or overtly hurtful. If no one came when you called them to change your diaper or see a dead worm in the patio, you thought it was your fault. If your parent didn't put the newspaper down when you wanted to show them your school art, or any of the other small ways that even loving parents did not respond to your childhood needs, you were hurt. And the message you told yourself was, “I am not important enough [good enough, interesting enough, and so on] for them to want to pay attention to me and love me. I have to be better.” That belief was quietly added to the litany of your inner judge.

The Voice of the Inner Judge

If you listen carefully when the voice in your mind scolds and judges you, you might discover that he speaks to another part of your mind, saying “You should be better!” He is speaking to the victim child, who you will meet later in this chapter. If you hear the voice saying “I should pay better attention,” you might ask yourself who is saying that, and to whom?

Here are some of the things the inner judge says to the victim child within: “What is the matter with you? Why can't you get it right? Why don't you pay better attention? You are not beautiful enough, smart enough, tall enough, happy enough, serious enough, focused enough, spiritual enough, relaxed enough, free-spirited enough, mature enough, open enough, thin enough, buff enough, loving enough, lovable enough, stylish enough, sexy enough, healthy enough, old enough, young enough, slick enough, discriminating enough, rich enough, outgoing enough, sophisticated enough, brave enough, humble enough, knowledgeable enough, meditative enough, out-going enough, man enough, funny enough, enlightened enough, and you can't see well enough.”

The judge likes to tell the victim child what she “should” do to be acceptable: “You should be more emotionally available, more friendly, less sensitive, more outgoing, less emotional, more authentic, less nervous, more warm and caring, less afraid, more stylish, less judgmental, more spiritual. You should think more clearly, not be in debt, eat better, pay more attention, and just be more aware! You should be a better person than you are.”

As a final blow, the inner judge adds more hurtful messages of childhood: “You are a burden and a nuisance. You are not worthy of love and attention. Nobody could ever really love you for who you are. Your needs are meaningless. You are lucky if anyone loves you, so you had better settle for whatever love you can get.”

Characteristics of the Inner Judge

The inner judge is intent on helping you survive, by keeping you in line. He knows that you must be good enough in all the ways he learned when you were growing up. He continues his frantic work into adulthood, driven by the fear of banishment — the rejection from whatever groups, jobs, relationships, or other dreams you want to be part of.

Because the inner judge is convinced you are not good enough the way you are, he must constantly demand you improve. His rather odd logic is that if he can judge and punish you before others reject you, then you will shape up and do whatever you have to do to be good enough for them to accept you. Your inner judge is actually only concerned with his assumptions about what other people think of you, and will harass you until you meet their imagined standards.

The Apprentice's Story: Free at Last!

A Toltec apprentice described her discovery that her inner judge was making assumptions about other people's judgments this way: “I always knew when I was crossing the street in front of cars that everyone in those cars was watching me. It was so uncomfortable! I knew they were judging how I was dressed, how I walked, my hair, how long I was taking to cross the street, and everything about me.

“When I learned about the assumptions of the inner judge, I decided to find out for myself. I looked carefully into each car to see what those people were paying attention to — and found out nobody was paying any attention to me! They were talking on cell phones, changing radio stations, daydreaming, checking their hair, everything but watching and judging me. Nobody actually cared. In that moment, I became free. I did not have to believe the judge again.”