Beneath every strategy and behind every mask is a human afraid of being revealed and rejected as an imposter. Every child who learns that he is not okay the way he is grows up trying to be someone else. The fear is twofold: First, there is the threat of being unmasked, and rejected because he is not who he pretended to be; second, once unmasked, there is the additional danger of being found out to be defective as a human being — the terrible fear that the judge has been right all along.

The Invisible Child and the Lawyer

The father of an apprentice was a harsh and angry man. When the apprentice was a boy, he learned to slip into the house without being seen, and climb the stairs to his room without stepping on the squeaky steps. He knew if his father saw him, there would be yelling and punishment for some unspecified offense. Alone in his room, he built model airplanes, and dreamed of a time he could be grown up and escape from the home.

As an adult, the apprentice sits quietly in the back of the room. He married a woman who has a similar strategy, and they don't go out much. They have very few friends, and spend most of their time together watching television or reading. They are careful not to share too much about themselves, and are content to be invisible to each other and the world.

The “lawyer” strategy argues the case of the victim child with the inner and outer judges. “It is not my client's fault, your Honor, he is innocent — his dog ate his homework, the traffic was terrible, he is only human, and it is not fair to punish him.” As an adult, the lawyer can be totally tenacious and insistent about his story. This strategy attempts to protect the victim child from all judges by making them wrong for their accusations. Many professional lawyers grew up with judgmental parents.

The Clown and Jokester Versus the Rager, Blamer, and Bully

Remember that all of these strategies and masks are a cover story to hide the pain and hurt feelings of childhood. The emotionally abandoned boy who is finally rewarded with attention for telling jokes or making up funny skits will often continue to use the strategy to avoid revealing any of his vulnerability later in life. Clowns and jokesters can be the life of the party, attracting attention and entertaining for hours. Behind their masks, they are hiding their fear of being seen, judged, and rejected as not good enough.

The human who rages, blames, and bullies others, physically or emotionally, seems to be the opposite of the clown and his fun. If you look more closely at the blamer, you will see the same fear behind his angry mask as behind the clown mask. Both are afraid of being seen and rejected. The bully sets a boundary that says, “Stay away, don't get too close, someone might get hurt.”