The fear of being wrong and being expelled from the family puts a great deal of pressure on a young child. She comes into the world totally open as pure awareness, but as she matures she begins to identify herself and her separateness from others. She has needs, and wants them met. She begins to create a dream of herself and her world, and develops a personality to fit it.

As the new arrival's dream gets stronger, it begins to conflict with the dream that prevails in the family around her. Her parents cannot tolerate her dreaming outside of their box, and so must exert whatever pressure is necessary to make her comply. Each young child finds her own way to deal with this pressure to conform. Some easily abandon their truth in order to be loved; others fight for their right to be themselves.

The Battle for Control

Beliefs about parenting cover a wide range of possibilities. Some children are allowed to run free and wild, while others are made to obey many rules and are punished for minor infractions. Punishments also range from mild rebukes to violent and dangerous beatings. The Toltec wisdom makes no distinction about what is right or wrong with any of the many ways children are parented. It only calls for awareness of the dreaming minds involved, and choices based on that awareness.

The child and the parents are all dreaming, and battling for their dream to be right. Because everyone is dreaming a personal dream, the Toltecs understand that everyone is right — about his or her dream. When parents are in conflict with their children, it is because they believe their dream is more right than are the desires of the child. This is not to suggest that the desires of the child must always prevail, but only that the dreams of child and parent have equal value.

The Big Battle Is Lost

There comes a time when every new human must abandon the fight for his or her own dream. It often comes by the second year of life. The terrible twos are a rough time for the child — her dream is getting stronger, and it is increasingly in conflict with her parents' demands to be like them. Something must give, and the parents know they cannot lose control.

One of the main principles of modern Toltec wisdom is to be impeccable with your word. To be impeccable means to not use your word against yourself. You will learn more about impeccability later in this book. For now, imagine that a mother and a young boy are in conflict about some behavior or attitude of the child's that the mother wants to change. This time the child is not budging from his position. He wants what he wants, and he will not give it up!

This final battle may be about something simple, like bedtime, or more important, such as giving up a favorite toy as punishment for breaking a family rule. The child may believe that he is being treated unfairly (again), and this time he is willing to stand his ground. The mother believes that she must win the battle, or she will lose her authority in the family. They both think they are right, and willing to go all the way. Since the parent is bigger, and more determined, she wins, and the boy loses. He gives up his toy.

The boy actually gives up something much bigger than his toy. He gives up his authenticity. In the final battle he surrenders his authority to be right as he is. He uses his word against himself, by telling himself that he is wrong for fighting with his mother, and after that it becomes easier and easier. He must surrender his truth to that of his parents, then his teachers, peers, religious leaders, mate, and anyone else who claims to have authority over him.

It is not the child's fault that he goes against himself, nor is it his mother's fault. They are both doing their best based on what they believe.