Feelings 101
Much of the improvement in emotional control that takes place during the toddler years is due to youngsters' enhanced ability to communicate. As toddlers become more adept at labeling their feelings and communicating their needs, they react less impulsively. Youngsters who cannot talk out their feelings can only act them out. As they become more able to express their feelings in words, they don't have to rely on crying to signal their hunger, thirst, need for a diaper change, desire to be held, or wish to play with a particular toy. Toddlers are not able to identify their feelings with much accuracy. They simply experience a physical or psychological discomfort and they react.
Parents and other caregivers need to teach toddlers to recognize their emotional and physical states and to use the vocabulary of feelings to express discomfort. What is obvious to an adult is not at all obvious to a little person. Parents need to make it a habit to tell toddlers what they are feeling before attempting to help with whatever is upsetting them:
“You're sad that I'm leaving.” (“But I'll be back soon.”)
“You're frustrated with that puzzle.” (“Do you want some help?”)
“You're happy that Daddy is home.” (“Stay inside. He'll come inside in a minute.”)
“You're afraid of that clown.” (“But he's just a man with makeup and paint on his face.”)
“You're angry because I won't let you play in the sandbox.” (“We need to think of some other fun thing for you to do.”)
Unhappy Feelings
Unhappy feelings serve a useful purpose. They let human beings know that something is wrong or that something needs to be changed. These feelings help people determine the source of their distress with greater precision. Once they know exactly what is wrong, they are in a better position to figure out how to get their needs met and desires fulfilled.
Unhappy feelings indicate that something is wrong, but toddlers may not know what that something is. They may be bored but think they are hungry. They may be tired but think they are angry at a toy. They may be feeling ill and think they are sad because their parent is talking on the telephone.
Parents must constantly provide corrections:
“I don't think it's your brother that's upsetting you. I think you're tired.”
“Instead of a snack, I bet a diaper change will help you feel better.”
“Your new tooth is coming in. That's why so many things are bothering you today.”
Once they are able to correctly identify their feelings, toddlers will be more able to figure out what to do to feel better.
Words of Comfort
As toddlers' language skills improve, words alone are often enough to help them feel better. Whether words are combined with hugs, parents should apply regular doses of soothing words when calming upset children. Children eventually learn to comfort themselves by being soothed and comforted by parents. With time and repetition the comforting words parents say become so much a part of their toddler, he will use them to comfort himself.
Tapes of crib monologues made after toddlers have been put in bed for the night show that, to comfort themselves, they repeat the words they've heard from parents, such as “It's okay” and “Go nigh-nigh now.” Other soothing phrases parents can say to their child include the following:
“We're going home soon.”
“You'll feel better after you eat something.”
“You'll see her again tomorrow.”
“You're more scared than hurt right now.”
“It may taste bad, but this medicine will help make you well.”
Trusting others to provide verbal comfort will enable children to reach out to day care teachers, sitters, and other caregivers for help and solace. During their teenage years, a phone call to share troubles with a friend or a talk with an understanding teacher will provide emotional support. By sharing feelings with trusted family members and friends, adults have access to a lifelong source of important moral support. People never outgrow their need to be nurtured!
Words That Hurt
Normal children will try to fend off criticism to maintain a sense of dignity and self-worth. The problems are likely to escalate if parents shame them for being upset. If a parent routinely heaps criticism on an upset toddler to try to settle her down, the harsh words will eventually begin to echo in the child's mind in an effort to ward off unhappy feelings whenever she is upset.
Always respect your child's feelings — even the unpleasant ones. Since the words you say will echo in your child's mind for the rest of her life, be kind so your child can learn to be kind to herself!
Needless to say, that doesn't work very well. Toddlers' turmoil increases as they battle the belief that they are bad for feeling unhappy in the first place. Harsh comments made in an attempt to contain upset youngsters too often have the effect of compounding their distress. Critical comments may teach children not to verbalize their unhappiness, but that doesn't make the distress go away. The unhappiness lingers. Derogatory statements erode self-esteem. Statements that deny the reality of children's distress increase their confusion about what they are actually feeling. Instead of learning to use their feelings as a guide to getting their needs met, they end up feeling worse and don't know what to do to make things better.
