Brian was contentedly munching his cereal when his mother breezed by the table and gave him the thumbs-up sign. “Good job,” she said. Brian's smile faded as he bleakly surveyed his brimming cereal bowl. He was already full, and he'd barely dented it. He wanted to please his mother, but knew he was going to have to let her down.

Just as parents use expressions like “No-no” or “That's not okay” to mean “Stop” or “Don't,” they use expressions like “Good job!” or “Way to go” to mean “Yes, that's what I want you to do.” If Brian's mother had said, “It looks like you're enjoying that cereal,” he could have said “yes” without feeling obligated to eat more.

Children with good self-esteem feel pleased with themselves. When evaluating their own behavior, they feel they measure up to their personal expectations. But praise can actually serve to undermine self-esteem. First-born children, whose parents are apt to applaud each small gurgle and goo and record each new accomplishment in their bulging baby book, tend to be the least emotionally secure and suffer more problems with self-esteem than the rest of the brood whose successes receive far less attention.

Meanwhile, the middle child, typically lost in a no-man's land between the accomplished older sibling and the darling baby, has a harder time finding ways to impress. Yet youngsters sandwiched in the middle of the pack tend to be more self-confident.

The following parent comments point out some of the pitfalls of praise:

• “I like the bright colors in your drawing” suggests to the child that to please the parent, he should use bright colors. Expressing interest and asking a neutral question such as, “What did you draw?” or “Tell me about your picture” enables the child to share his drawing and his feelings about it without having his choice of crayons judged.

There's nothing wrong with saying “Good” to teach a child to do things in a certain way. Certainly there are “right” and “wrong” ways to do many things. However, giving positive feedback in situations that are meant to be fun can cause toddlers to turn play sessions into grim tests of their competence.

• If the parent exclaims, “Good catch!” when the ball lands in their toddler's arms, it's understandable why she becomes upset when it lands on the floor on subsequent tries: the youngster assumes they are “bad” catches.

• “Good boy!” the parent says when the toddler uses the potty by himself. This kind of evaluation — “You're good because you did what I wanted” — can cause toddlers who are in the throws of a struggle over independence to respond by refusing to use the potty thereafter.

• Instead, try, “You should be proud of yourself.” Although that still conveys your opinion, it encourages the child to evaluate himself in a positive light rather than to focus exclusively on your opinion.