Not every toddler has tantrums, but most do. They are most common between ages two and three, when there can be as many as one to two daily for several weeks, and others intermittently. Not all tantrums were created equal. Telling them apart can be tricky.

Stress Tantrums

The toddler is stressed (tired; hungry; ill; or cranky due to a number of small disappointments, changes, and/or defeats), when some unpleasant thing happens. Perhaps he hates to have his diaper changed, and Dad insisted on it. Or Mom kept her hands on the grocery cart when he wanted to push it himself. Or his toy broke. That one small incident becomes the straw that broke the camel's back, and suddenly the toddler loses control.

The screaming and carrying-on is out of proportion to the problem at hand because the upset isn't about a single event. It's the result of an accumulation of stress that has taken its toll on a tyke who, because of his age, doesn't have a lot of emotional control to begin with.

Trying to sidestep a stress tantrum may merely be postponing the inevitable. As things heat up, it becomes increasingly clear that the toddler is trying to provoke a struggle.

To manage stress tantrums:

1. Hold the child firmly but lovingly and provide reassurance that she'll be okay in a bit. This assumes you can hold her. Children may thrash too wildly to be safely held.

2. If she's endangering himself, other people, or property as she rolls about the floor, clear the area if you can. Otherwise, move her to a safe place, like a carpeted floor.

3. Let her cry it out. Tears are a great tension reliever.

4. Empathize with the fact that she's having a hard day.

5. When the tantrum ends, ask if she'd like to sit on your lap and have you rock her, or lie down and have you rub her back.

In a stress tantrum, the child isn't trying to get something; instead, she is trying to get rid of the unpleasant feelings that have accumulated. Having a momentary whim gratified helps a stressed toddler feel better, but not for long. The next small crisis produces another upset of similar or even greater intensity because the real problem — feeling generally overwhelmed — remains.

6. Provide reassurance that things will get easier for her when her new tooth comes through, she's rested, she's adjusted to her new day care center, or the stressful situation has passed.

When it comes to stress tantrums, the best cure lies in prevention.

Consider them a signal that your toddler is under more pressure than she can manage and see if there's a way to help lessen it. Remember that toddlers are already under a lot of stress because they are struggling with their personal sense of inadequacy that comes from wanting to do things and being unable to do them, having lots to communicate and being unable to say much, and wanting to be independent while being emotionally needy.

Manipulative Tantrums

Some children learn to tantrum to get something. Their manipulative tantrums are their way of saying “I want something and I want it now!”Once their end is achieved — freedom to run around the store, liberation from the car seat, permission to eat the cookie or to have a toy — they settle down. Tantrums in public are common because many children have learned if they stage a big one, they will immediately be taken home, which is exactly what they want.

It can be hard to hold firm in the face of manipulative tantrums. Their fearsome intensity can quickly melt parental resolve. But of course, every time you appease the child by giving in, you drive home the lesson that screaming, hitting, kicking, thrashing, breath-holding, fainting, and even head-banging and vomiting are workable ways to achieve goals.

If the behaviors during manipulative tantrums are particularly dramatic, discuss the problem with your pediatrician to satisfy yourself that the quickest, most effective way to end this kind of tantrum — ignoring it — is a safe option. Behaviors that warrant a professional opinion include banging his head or other self-injurious behavior, or holding her breath to the point of turning purple, passing out, precipitating an asthma attack, or vomiting.

To end manipulative tantrums:

1. If she's a raging puddle on the floor, tell her you'll talk to her when she's settled down.

2. Carry her to an open space where she can't harm herself or something else, preferably with carpet to soften the blows, if she's flinging herself around.

3. Step over her and busy yourself nearby (but out of kicking range) by studiously ignoring her.

4. Remain alert to what is happening so you can intervene if she tries to hurt herself or something else.

The challenge is not to take manipulative tantrums personally. See them for what they are: a child's rage at rules and limits. By failing to give in and not paying attention to her, you're showing what happens when people are assailed by crushing disappointments: life goes on. When a tantrum ends and the child has settled down:

1. See it as the victory it is — the child regained control on her own.

2. Don't attempt to discuss what transpired before or during the tantrum — let the subject drop.

3. Be warm enough to show her you're not angry with her — respond to her desire to be held, hear a story, or have you participate in another quiet activity once she's settled down.

4. Don't try to compensate for having held firm by being overly solicitous.

If throwing a tantrum has worked in the past, the predictable short-term result when parents don't give in is an increase in both the intensity and frequency of tantrums. Confused youngsters work harder to employ the strategy that has worked so well in the past to get their way. It may take a number of scenes before they grasp that tantrums are no longer a useful method for getting what they want.

Communication Tantrums

Sometimes toddlers throw tantrums out of sheer frustration over their inability to communicate their needs. For instance, it's very clear that your toddler wants something. It's clear to your toddler that you have it. Try as you might, you can't figure out what your child is asking for. He tries every way he can think of to get the message across, and then dissolves.

Or it is all too clear what your toddler wants: ice cream. He is sure it is in the freezer, because that's where it's kept. Except that there isn't any ice cream there or anywhere else because you're fresh out. He's sure you're withholding it, and you can't find a way to explain it to him. Maybe she wants to watch a particular video, but the tape is broken. Or he wants his pacifier, but it's lost. The only recourse is to provide reassurance that you would give him what he wanted if you could and let him rage at the injustice of it.

It's not easy being any age, but it can be particularly hard to be a toddler. Parents who remain sympathetic as children struggle through these trying moments may also feel helpless. Remember that by demonstrating your love for your youngster when she is at her very worst, you are in fact helping a lot.