The time for parents to step out of the teaching role into that of policing is when their toddler is approaching danger. That way, they can stage an immediate rescue.

For instance, sooner or later most youngsters will want to explore electrical cords. When a young toddler reaches for one and suddenly hears his parent's loud voice, he is likely to pause, smile, and reach for the cord again. The parent may believe the child's pause means he understood the “No, don't touch!” warning. From the child's ensuing smile and renewed attempt to reach for the cord, adults may assume the kind of defiance that makes them want to tear their hair out by the roots.

However, the pause may simply be a response to the parent's voice; it doesn't mean that he understood the warning. Even if he does surmise from the parent's tone that he is being warned about something, he may not realize he is being warned away from the cord. How can toddlers comprehend that a cord is dangerous when they don't know about either cords or danger, and haven't even touched one yet?

When a toddler is approaching danger, follow these steps:

1. Say, “No! Don't touch!” or “Stop!” in a firm, authoritative tone.

2. If the child pauses, be sure to smile, nod, and provide positive reinforcement by saying, “Thank you” to let him know he responded correctly: he paused.

3. Don't wait to see what will happen next; grab him fast.

4. Explain, “That's dangerous, honey. It will hurt you.”

5. Say “No-no,” shake your head, and frown to convey your message nonverbally.

6. Try to get him to say “No-no” and shake his head.

7. Move him away from the danger.

If the child toddles back to the cord, you will need to either repeat the process as often as needed, distract him by providing something different to do, or offer him choices for alternate toys or activities.

If you physically move him away from the cord, he may conclude that you are playing a wonderful chasing game. He may head back in that direction the moment he is released, hoping for more. Once again, you may see his actions as defiant. It's important to consider that by this point the cord may be the farthest thing from his mind.

Would it be easier just to issue a warning and then slap the child to drive home the message that he must stay away from a dangerous object? Although it might seem easier in the short-run, there are a number of problems with slapping a toddler to convey the no-no message:

• Toddlers may lose trust in the parent. Slaps that are delivered “out of the blue” can make youngsters chronically tense and uncomfortable around anyone they have learned may hit them unexpectedly. If a child thinks he and his parent were playing a chasing game and didn't realize touching the cord was the issue, the slap will certainly take him by surprise. This can seriously undermine the parent-child relationship.

• Toddlers may learn that when their parent uses that particular tone of voice, they had better run fast to avoid being hit. This is not a lesson that will serve them well when the danger is approaching a busy street, hot stove, swimming pool, or a big dog!

• Toddlers may learn that they must not do certain things when their parent is around. The sooner children can move from needing parents to control them to controlling themselves, the better for everyone.

Even after toddlers understand that they're not supposed to touch particular items, they may still be driven to engage in forbidden activities, because they have two voices inside of them issuing very different directives. Mother Nature pushes them to explore and become independent. Their parents insist that many interesting activities and objects are off limits, and oppose their desire to make up their own minds.