Introducing Toys to the Bedroom
Ideally, both partners are equally interested in using toys or introducing them to the couple's sexual repertoire. If you both have an existing interest in toys and props, you have a huge head start in this area. Unfortunately, it is somewhat rare that both partners are so perfectly in sync when it comes to this issue. More likely, one partner has been contemplating the use of toys and props, and has been trying to figure out a way to broach the subject with their partner.
This should be done carefully and with some planning beforehand. You will want to have your “sales pitch” thought out in detail beforehand, so you can make your best and most convincing case in favor of props. This is one of those situations where it is all in the presentation. Depending on how you present the idea and explain your reason for wanting to take this new step, you can make or break the whole thing.
Reluctance by the Female
Often, women may be afraid or uncomfortable with the idea of experimenting with sex toys. There are several reasons for this. A primary factor is that many women were given negative ideas and attitudes about sex as young girls. They may have gotten the idea that even intercourse itself was bad or dirty — so, obviously, adding a foreign object to the equation really ups the “bad” factor.
Sex toys — especially vibrators designed for clitoral stimulation — can provide a valuable service to a woman's sex life. For women who have difficulty achieving orgasm, a sex toy can help by allowing her to explore various movements and sensations until she finds the ones that are most pleasing to her. Soon she may become very familiar with her specific “route to orgasm.”
Ideally, your partner has some female friends who are open to having some frank sexual discussions with her. If they discuss their own experiences with sex toys, it will help your partner realize that this is not something dirty or evil, and that lots of “normal” women enjoy using sex toys.
If you can't enlist the help of her chatty female friends, try scouring some women's magazines for articles mentioning sex toys. Again, this will help her realize that many other women regularly use and enjoy sex toys.
When you are first attempting to convince your female partner to try sex toys, it can be a bad idea to show her X-rated pictures or movies depicting women using these toys. This can easily backfire on you, as it may reinforce her beliefs that only “bad” women — promiscuous women and porn stars — use these types of toys.
Women who are shy or sexually self-conscious may also be timid about trying sex toys. Tip: if a woman is reluctant to masturbate while you watch, it is a likely bet that she will also be hesitant about using a sex toy in front of you. The key here is to take things slow; don't put too much pressure on her. If you act too eager about watching her with this toy, she may feel like she needs to put on a show for you, which can be intimidating. To avoid this, it can be helpful for you to allow her to practice using the toy in privacy by herself a few times, so she becomes more comfortable before using it with you watching her.
A worldwide study conducted by Durex in 2004 found that 27 percent of respondents owned a vibrator or intimate massager. That figure rises to more than a third of both twenty-five to thirty-four year olds and those in the forty-five-plus age group.
Women may also be reluctant to try sex toys simply because they are unfamiliar and scary. Although she may be embarrassed to admit this, your partner may be afraid that a sex toy may be painful, or that she won't know how to use it correctly. In this case, it can be helpful to look for toys that are packaged with manuals or illustrated guides explaining how to use the product. Again, you should allow her to review this material (and, if she wishes, to practice using the toy) alone if she feels more comfortable that way.
If your female partner is slightly reluctant or nervous about using sex toys for the first time, but still summons up the guts to make her “debut” in front of you, do not do anything that would make her regret it. Proceed very slowly and cautiously and follow her lead. If you rush things or appear overeager, you will simply increase her anxiety and possibly cause her to change her mind completely. The good news? If you control your enthusiasm and have a little patience, it is very likely that your partner will quickly discover the joys of these products and will soon be using them (with or without you) with gusto.
Reluctance by the Male
Men are often more willing to try new things in the bedroom than women, but this may not be true when it comes to sex toys — specifically vibrators and dildos. Some men may feel insulted that their partner needs what the man might view as a “replacement penis.” This may make them feel insecure, worried that their woman is not happy with their performance. They may also feel insulted by what they perceive as a criticism of their manhood.
If this is the case, it is important for the woman to provide reassurance that she is very satisfied with her man and that she loves everything he does to please her. It is important for her to stress that the sex toy is not to replace the man or to compensate for any kind of shortcomings on his part, but rather to enhance the good sexual foundation they have already established.
Obviously, if the man has any type of insecurities about his performance, it is critical for the woman to avoid appearing overly excited by the sex toy. She does not want to seem so obsessed with it that her partner feels overlooked or unneeded. Should her male partner display any sign of insecurity during a sexual encounter, the woman should immediately abandon the sex toy and direct her full focus to the man, reassuring him that he is her priority.
