Unlike stress triggers, stress vulnerabilities have to do with your personal tendencies. Everyone's stress triggers are different, but, in addition, everyone's personality and personal vulnerabilities to certain areas of stress are also different. You and a friend might both have stressful jobs, but you might be particularly sensitive to job stress, obsessing over work to the point that your stress is much more than it could be. Your friend may be better able to approach job stress in a healthy way. You both might have two children, but your friend may be particularly vulnerable to obsessive worrying about her children, while you feel more in control of your dependent-related stress.

For this section, each answer reveals different areas in which you are particularly vulnerable to stress. Your vulnerabilities lie in the following areas if you checked the noted answers:

Spending too much time alone, or lack of satisfying social contact: 11.A, 13.D

An extrovert is someone who may relish time alone but who feels drained of energy after too much time away from other people. Extroverts require plenty of social contact to keep their energy high. They work best in groups and may find working alone virtually impossible because they can't get motivated. Personal relationships are extremely important to extroverts, who often feel incomplete without a partner. Extroverts tend to have lots of friends and to rely on their friends for energy, support, and satisfaction.

Extroverts often don't know what they think until they say it. They often think things through out loud. Friend therapy, journaling, group therapy, meditation classes, exercises classes, and massage therapy are particularly effective for extroverts.

Spending too much time around others: 11.B, 15.D

An introvert is someone who may enjoy other people but who feels drained of energy after too much social contact. Introverts require time alone to recharge after spending time with people and find it difficult to accomplish anything productive with lots of people around. Introverts are good at working alone in a home office or at a remote location. While introverts aren't necessarily shy and can benefit immensely from rewarding personal relationships, they also need time alone. Introverts tend to think about what they say before they speak. Sometimes, introverts can seem, and feel, distant, as if a gulf exists between the self and the outside world. That may be a sign that it is time for some alone time. Your body is telling you it needs to be re-energized. In some cases, however, it may be a sign that you are spending too much time alone. Seek balance! Introspective techniques and solitary techniques like meditation, visualization, and chakra centering are great for introverts.

The caretaker conundrum: 11.D

One area worrywarts tend to specialize in is worry about their dependents. If you are a parent, grandparent, or the caretaker to an aging parent or grandparent, you have a focus for your worries right there in front of you, and that focus is dependent on you for his or her health and welfare. That's a big burden, and even if it is one you have readily accepted, it is still a stressful position to be in. Sure, you're a parent, you adore your children, and the burden is fully worth it. But having dependents makes worry a lot easier, and worry makes the stress of being a caretaker a lot harder.

Learning to deal with the stress of caretaking means admitting, first, that the stress is there, then taking measures to care for yourself as well as you care for your dependents. It isn't selfish. You can't be a good caretaker if you neglect your own physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Self-care stress management in its many forms is exceptionally important for caretakers, and that includes making room for your own creativity and self-expression. Don't be afraid to admit the whole complex slew of feelings you have about your caretaking responsibilities — intense love, anger, joy, resentment, appreciation, sadness, irritation, and happiness. Being a caretaker sounds a lot like being a human being, doesn't it? Some might say it's being human with the volume turned up.

Financial pressure: 12.A

No matter how much money some people make, it always seems to slip through their fingers — or that proverbial hole that's been burnt into their pockets. Money is a huge source of stress for many people and a common area of stress vulnerability. Do you think that enough money really would solve all your problems? Do you spend time every single day worrying about having enough money for what you need or want? Do you obsess about where you put your money, whether your money is working for you, how you might be able to make money? Do you put a lot of importance on a person's financial status?

If money is an area of vulnerability for you, focus on stress management techniques that both help you to take responsibility for your financial situation (if that's the problem) and put finances in a whole-life perspective. Money really can't buy happiness, but freedom from financial stress can certainly help push you in that direction!

Family dynamics: 12.B

You love 'em. You hate 'em. They see your best side and your worst side. Like it or not, you're pretty much stuck with them, even if you choose never to speak to them again. Yes, I'm talking about your family, another big area of stress for many people. Our families have an intimate knowledge of who we are, or who we used to be, and that can be stressful, especially if we're trying to escape who we used to be (or who we think we used to be). Family members are notoriously knowledgeable about how to push our buttons. Who can anger you more than your brother or sister? Who can embarrass you more than your parents, even when you are all grown up?

All families are stressful to some extent, but for some people, families are particularly stressful because of a dysfunctional aspect or because of past events that are painful. If your family is an area of stress for you, you may benefit by making amends, or by deciding to move on. You may be estranged from your family or fully in their clutches on a daily basis. Either way, recognizing family stress is the first step to managing it. How you manage it depends on your individual situation. You might consider techniques that bolster your people skills or techniques that strengthen the foundation of your own self-esteem. Journaling and other creativity techniques can be highly effective for dealing with family stress, and don't forget friend therapy. One of the great things about friends is that they aren't part of your family!

For many people, family is a sacred and highly cherished part of life. Yet, it's still fraught with stress. That's fine. You can love your family dearly, feel fondly and intimately attached to your family members, and still admit to family as a major cause of stress in your life. Who said life was simple? In any case, recognizing the positive elements of family, the wonderful ways your family has impacted your life, is a great way to help mitigate family stress.

Obsessive worrying: 12.C, 13.B

You know perfectly well if this is you. You worry about everything, and you just can't help it. Or, you have a few choice areas of life in which you are a “worry specialist.” Maybe it's your body shape, or the impression you make on others, or your children or grandchildren. Whatever it is, you worry. You worry about the weather. You worry about your family. You worry about your pets. You worry about school, or work, or your social group, or your friends, who probably tend to roll their eyes at you and make exasperated comments like, “Will you please stop worrying?”

But it's not so easy to stop, is it? Yet, being a worrywart is really just a bad habit (in some cases, a compulsion) that is immensely stressful. Learning how to stop worrying can be an empowering life skill that will change your daily existence more dramatically than you ever imagined (not that you ever had time to imagine, since you were too busy worrying). Thought control and worry stopping are great techniques to learn. Exercise also provides a great break from worry, especially when it's challenging. You can't worry if your mind is immersed in those yoga moves or that kickboxing routine. There's nothing wrong with quitting the daily news habit. You have enough to worry about, and, if anything really important happens, you'll hear about it sooner or later. Most importantly, focus on relearning how to worry effectively. Worry about things you can change, as a means to figure out how to change them. If you can't change something, worrying about it is just a big waste of time, and life is too short to waste time that way.

The need for constant validation by others: 12.D, 15.B, 15.C

Some people could go their whole lives without knowing or caring about how “cool” they are. Others live by the building and sustaining of their personal image. If your image is more important to you than what's behind it — or even if it just feels that way sometimes — you are probably vulnerable to image stress. It's hard not to be image conscious these days. Appearance, charisma, the whole “cool factor” — it's hard to resist. But being too cool conscious has a price. Going through life constantly on the lookout for how you appear to others can obliterate the real you. Do you sometimes wonder who you are apart from the “you” that you choose to show to the people in the world? Image obsession is stressful, and, even if a certain amount of “cool” is important for your career or even your personal satisfaction, keeping image in perspective is as important as keeping any other aspect of your life in perspective.

Image stress is a big problem for adolescents, but even adults can fall prey. Look for stress management techniques that help you to get in touch with the inner you. The better you know the you inside, the more superficial and uninteresting the outer you will become. Know yourself and, ironically, your image will improve, anyway. Maybe you've noticed: People who are unique have inner tranquility and have found a high comfort level with who they are, and they tend to be pretty cool.

Lack of self-control, motivation, organization: 13.A, 13.B, 13.C, 13.D

You cause yourself more stress than is necessary because you haven't taken control of your personal habits, thoughts, or life. No, you can't control everything, and, if you try to control everything, you'll be vulnerable to control issues on the other side. However, to a large extent, you can control what you do, how you react, even how you think and perceive the world. That's a powerful arsenal of control, and it's all the control you ever really need. Lots of us let all that go, however, making the excuse that our lives are completely subject to fate or the actions of others.

So, what are some of the things in our lives that we could more easily gain control over? We can control our dietary habits, our exercise schedules, our impulse to say unkind things, our road rage, our tendency to bite our fingernails or chew on pencil erasers or never put away our things when we are finished using them. These are simply habits, and, if a habit is causing you stress, then why not change it? Is breaking a habit difficult? Just for a little while. Living with chronic stress is a lot more difficult. Look for stress management techniques that help you to get control: Get organized, get healthy, get responsible, and even (oh, say it isn't true!) act like a grownup. (Being a grownup can be fun. Really!)

Need to control: 14.A, 15.A

You've got control issues on the other side of the fence. You know the best way to do things, and nobody better cross you. You like to have control because you really believe you know best, and you probably do much of the time. The problem is that getting everyone to listen (dare I say, “obey”?) can be pretty stressful. How dare that guy cut you off on the freeway. You had the right of way! How dare your colleague not take you up on your excellent suggestion for improving the efficiency of her team. She'll be sorry! You may also admit to requiring a certain amount of ego stroking. People should show you the proper respect for your authority, shouldn't they? Is it so wrong to want the reverence so properly due?

No, it's not. We all want to be recognized for our accomplishments, and one of your strengths is a healthy self-esteem. But like anything else, self-esteem can be carried too far. Remember, seek balance! Knowing you are right (in a flexible way) is one thing. Demanding everyone else admit it, too, is quite another. You can benefit by stress management techniques that help you to (pick your metaphor) let go of the reins, coast on neutral, go with the flow. You don't need to be told to “just do it.” You “just do it” all the time, unlike the rest of those slackers! The trick for you is to “just let it be.” Now, there's a challenge. And you're always up for a challenge, aren't you? We know you can do it. You know you can do it. Just check your ego at the door of self-awareness, and you'll have a lot less to carry. Life is more fun with a lighter load.

Your job/career: 11.C, 14.A, 14.B, 14.D

You may love your job or hate it, but one thing is certain: Your job stresses you out! People who are vulnerable to job stress may have particularly stressful jobs, such as those driven by deadlines, those fraught with difficult people, or those that include high pressure to succeed. Even jobs that wouldn't be stressful to some are stressful to others, however. While one person can easily say, “Hey, I'll get it done when I get it done,” another might be thrown into a frenzy of anxiety at the mere mention of an impending deadline.

If your job is an area of stress for you, concentrate on practicing stress management techniques that work in the office (even if it's a home office) and those that target the kind of stress you are likely to encounter on the job, such as techniques for dealing with difficult people, techniques to help stretch and relieve the strain of sitting for long periods, deep breathing and relaxation techniques for combating ultra-high-stress moments, or whatever else is relevant to your particular job.

In addition, make a special commitment to keep sacred your prework preparation time and your postwork decompression time. Spend fifteen to thirty minutes before and after work each day practicing the stress-relieving technique of your choice to create a cushion around your workday. This will allow the rest of your life to be completely separate from work (wherever possible) so that you don't feel that your stressful work life has swallowed whole the rest of your life. Even if you work at home, set work-time boundaries (even something as simple as “absolutely no work on Friday night”), then leave it behind when it's time. Seek balance!

Low self-esteem: 13.D, 14.D

While you may handle work stress with aplomb, you become vulnerable to attacks on your self-esteem. Maybe a comment about your weight or age throws you into a tailspin. Maybe you see yourself in a shop window while walking down the street and the negative impression you get deflates your confidence for the rest of the day.

Self-esteem isn't just about appearance. If you believe someone is questioning your competency, do you become unreasonably defensive or suddenly insecure? Do you require constant reassurance, compliments, or other self-esteem boosters from the people around you in order to feel good about yourself? Many stress management techniques focus on bolstering self-esteem. The most important thing to remember is that self-esteem, just like your body, requires maintenance. Work on it. Take care of yourself. Keep reminding yourself how special you are, even when you don't really believe it.

Neglecting yourself may help you to ignore self-esteem issues, but it certainly won't address or “fix” them. Seek out sources for affirmations and positive self-talk to keep feeling good about yourself. Assertiveness training may help you to put less stock in the careless comments of others. You can be your own best friend (find out more in Chapter 13). It takes some practice, but believe me, no one is better suited for the job. You are worth knowing, so get to know yourself. You are an endless source of mystery. You are fascinating. You are lovable. And no one will appreciate you until you appreciate yourself. Cliché, perhaps, but also ultimately true.

This last section determines the ways in which you tend to respond to stress. Keep track of how many times you marked an answer under each of the following columns:

The category you chose most often indicates your stress response style. Here's what each category is about:

Ignore It: If you chose mostly answers in the Ignore category, you tend to ignore the stress in your life. Sometimes, ignoring stress can be an excellent coping strategy. Other times, however, ignoring stress compounds it. Something that could have been easily corrected early on can become a source of greater and greater stress because it was never addressed. Be aware of your tendency to ignore stress so that you can use this strategy consciously. Ignoring stress without realizing it is less productive and can result in burying feelings that are better acknowledged and dispatched. The key to ignoring stress productively is to learn how to be fully aware of the stress in your life. Then, you can choose when to ignore it and when to manage it.

React to It: If you chose mostly answers in the React category, you tend to react to stress with behaviors that can be unhelpful at best and destructive at worst. Maybe you raid the freezer for the ice cream every time stress gets out of hand in your life. Maybe you get depressed or angry or irritable or anxious or panicky. Maybe you worry obsessively. Maybe you smoke, or drink, or try to forget your stress by using other drugs. In any case, reacting to stress makes you the victim and sends your psyche the message that the stress is in control and you are its hapless pawn. Don't be a pawn. Reacting to stress with occasional self-indulgence can be enjoyable in a wallowing, self-pitying kind of way. It can even be a kind of self-care, but only up to a point. Managing stress is much more effective.

Attack It: If you chose mostly answers in the Attack category, you don't just handle stress, you manhandle it, and with a full throttle jab to the solar plexus. You refuse to let stress get the best of you, but, in your exuberance, you sometimes go overboard. Sometimes, the key to managing stress is letting it go, but you don't like to let things go until you've attacked them from every possible angle and pounded them into the dust. Sure, this can be a highly effective technique. A stubborn work problem or a failing business or even a weight problem might respond well to a full-speed, vigorous, full frontal attack. That kind of energy can be highly effective for eliminating certain sources of stress. For other types of stress, however, attack mode may not be ideal. Learning a variety of stress management techniques for different types of stress can add to your coping repertoire. Put relaxation at the top of the list.

Manage It: If you chose mostly answers in the Manage category, you do a pretty good job of managing the stress in your life. You tend to react to stressful stimuli with a moderate rather than an extreme response. You give yourself time to size up a situation before acting on it and don't worry inordinately about things you can't control. Sure, sometimes things happen to make you feel bad, but you've also learned that not everything everyone does is about you. (Most of the time, it probably isn't.) Good job! Of course, doing a good job at managing stress doesn't preclude room for improvement. Learning more and better ways to manage stress will help you prepare for future possible stressors on life — because every life's got 'em.