Junior Stress
Adults sometimes have the misconception (or the not-altogether-accurate memory) of childhood as one long parade of cotton candy and carousel rides. Perhaps it is the comparison with our adult lives that makes childhood seem so carefree. Yet, children today are falling victim to the negative effects of stress in greater numbers than ever before. The causes of stress in children tend to be primarily environmental (family, friends, school) until puberty sets in and adds those troublesome hormones to the mix.
Stress in children has been recognized and diagnosed only recently. Many children report having to deal with violence, peer pressure, underage drinking, drug use, and pressure to have sex, not to mention pressure to get good grades, be involved in back-to-back extracurricular activities, have a social life, and keep all the adults in their lives pacified.
For kids dealing with learning disabilities such as dyslexia or barriers to success in traditional environments such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, school can be an unrelenting source of frustration and feelings of failure. If your child seems to be having problems succeeding in school, have him or her tested for learning or behavioral problems.
Even young kids can experience stress. They, too, are sometimes faced with difficult family situations and peer interactions, some of which may not seem difficult to adults but which can cause profound stress reactions in children.
Childhood experiences can impact the individual long after childhood. One study demonstrated that children who were poorly nurtured were less able to deal with stressful situations, were more likely to react in an extreme manner, and maintained high levels of stress hormones in their bodies long after stress subsided, compared to children who were well nurtured as children. The key to giving young children the future tools for handling stress is to provide a supportive, loving, nurturing environment. If you do so, you may be helping your child form the neural pathways necessary for healthy stress management.
High stress as a child, for example, that which would occur in situations of extreme neglect, may also actually destroy neural pathways already established. That could explain the higher incidence of learning disabilities in young children who have suffered from extremely high stress.
Chances are that your children don't experience the extreme stress of neglect, however. More likely it is the average stress that comes with childhood. Just as with adults, some stress is good for kids. It can enhance performance when it is most necessary (whether for getting out of a dangerous situation fast or performing well in a dance recital). It can also teach kids how to handle stress, since stress is an integral part of life.
Teaching Kids About Stress Management
If adults don't have to take stress lying down, why should kids? If kids learn that stress is a natural part of life and that they can do something about it, they won't have to wait until adulthood, when the negative effects of stress are already compounded, to start feeling better. Kids who understand stress management will be empowered to manage their own stress throughout their lives.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death in 15 to 24 year olds and the fourth leading cause of death in 10 to 14 year olds.
The first step to teaching kids about stress management is to be tuned in to the stress your kids are feeling. You may not always know all the details of the causes of stress for your kids, but if you live with your children and pay attention, you can probably tell when your child's equilibrium is disturbed.
Signs of stress in children are similar to signs of stress in adults. Suspect your child is suffering from stress if you notice any of the following:
Sudden change in appetite that seems unrelated to growth
Sudden weight loss or gain
Development of an eating disorder
Sudden change in sleep habits
Chronic fatigue
Insomnia
Sudden drop in grades
Sudden change in exercise habits (much more or stopping completely)
Withdrawal, sudden refusal to communicate
Signs of anxiety, panic
Frequent headaches and/or stomach aches
Frequent frustration
Depression
Loss of interest in activities
Compulsion to overschedule
Suddenly quitting many activities
Children of any age can learn stress management techniques. Teens may be interested in reading this book, and any of the techniques in this book will work for them as well. For younger kids, certain stress management techniques are more effective because kids enjoy them and are motivated to try them.
Signs of stress in young children include increased whining, clinging, and crying; intense separation anxiety from parents or caregivers; aggressive behavior such as yelling, biting, kicking, and hitting; rashes and allergy symptoms; inability to concentrate, remember things, or pay attention; frequent forgetfulness and disorganization; impulsive or hyperactive behavior; zoning out; and sudden lack of creativity.
To help build a strong stress management foundation for your children and to teach them how to manage stress in healthy ways, consider the following strategies.
Soothing Infant Stress
For infants, try a daily infant massage. Gently and softly stroke your baby's legs, arms, and body to improve circulation and relax muscles. Talk softly and sweetly to your baby as you massage her, sing to her, and make eye contact.
New parents are often overwhelmed and find their energies scattered. Even so, make a commitment to set aside several 15-minute sessions each day during which you devote your full and total attention to your infant. Make eye contact, talk to her, play with her, and don't do anything else; turn off the television, the radio, put away the newspaper, and stop cleaning. Make it all about baby.
He'll soon learn he is important and worth your attention. He'll learn that he is lovable, and a priority. Eventually, he'll learn to take care of himself as well as you took care of him.
If your child has a low stress tolerance, keep life moving at a slower pace, stay home more, and don't force your child to enroll in lots of activities. Studies show that kids with a lower tolerance for stress actually showed lower rates of illness and behavior problems when put into low stress settings than kids with higher stress tolerance levels. Just like adults, kids with low stress tolerance thrive when life is low in stress, and, as a parent, it's your job to help keep things leisurely and low pressure.
Toddler Time
For toddlers, life is a big exciting adventure to be explored. How mysterious the behavior of adults must be to a curious, enthusiastic toddler. The simplest efforts at fun can cause adults to yell, grab things away, or do other strange and frightening things.
Even if your toddler can't always understand what you say, talking to her about what is and isn't allowed is much more effective than yelling. Firm but calm and ultimately consistent behavior is paramount to raising a toddler who has self-confidence and doesn't fear or mistrust adults.
Pay attention to your toddler's reaction to the world. Instead of forcing him to do something that makes him nervous, notice that he is nervous and take it slow or put off the activity until later. Some toddlers are always ready to jump into new activities. Others require more time to consider new activities before trying them. Respect your child's individual style. He'll learn that it's okay to be the way he is. He'll be less likely, later in life, to blame himself for his stress, and he'll be more likely to understand how to approach new things successfully.
Preschoolers and Kindergartners
Preschoolers and kindergartners love to learn, but children learn in different ways. Some parents tend to direct their children too much. Try stepping back and letting your child explore, learn, question, and discover on her own. Instead of constantly saying, “Did you see this? What do you think of that? How do you think this works? What might you do with this?” let your child take the lead. She just might teach you something, and you'll be reinforcing her confidence in her own learning style.
School Daze
Once children start school, it's easy for parents to overschedule them, especially kids with many interests. Music lessons, swimming lessons, soccer practice, baby-sitting, T-ball, homework, art class, gymnastics, scouting, socializing with friends, family time, dance class, chores — when do kids have a chance to relax and do nothing? Free time is actually empowering for children (that doesn't include watching television).
During free time, children get to direct their own activities. Overscheduled children don't learn how to direct themselves. They spend years waiting for someone to tell them what to do. When they are suddenly expected to behave independently, they're at a loss … and that's pretty stressful. Plus, with too much to do, kids necessarily have bodies and brains that are working overtime. Learning how to relax as a child makes adult relaxation a much easier process.
Kids really enjoy yoga. Yoga classes for kids are becoming more widely available. Or, look for one of the many books about yoga for kids (you might start with some of these). Learning yoga as a child is a great way to form a lifelong habit of good health, strength, flexibility, and mind-body integration.
Encourage your kids to take deep belly breaths when they are starting to get nervous, anxious, or fearful. Deep breaths directly combat the stress response in kids just as they do in grownups. They signal the body that everything is fine, returning heart rate, muscle tension, and blood flow back to normal.
Teens in Trouble
Being a teenager or a preteenager is always difficult because of the surge of hormonal changes teenagers experience with puberty. But some teens seem to handle the intense feelings of adolescence better than others. Why? Some theories suggest a genetic component, but chances are the answer is almost always at least partially due to external circumstances.
Many teenagers suffer from depression, self-doubt, anger, hopelessness, and other intense emotions, even in response to situations adults wouldn't necessary consider stressful. Many teens today also have to deal with extreme circumstances, from a nasty divorce at home to the threat or actual occurrence of violence in or after school.
If parents don't want to see that their teens are in trouble, they increase that distance that often exists between teenagers and adults — the generation gap, or whatever we choose to call it these days. If they try too forcefully to intervene in their children's lives, they may push their children away even further. It's a tricky job, parenting a teen, and many parents get by with their fingers crossed.
One theory about why kids are more stressed than they once were is that they are overexposed to stimuli. In a media-intense culture, kids spend hours each day watching television, playing video games, surfing the Internet, and listening to music. Encourage your kids to spend some media-free time each day doing something relaxing, whether it's writing in a journal or taking a bike ride.
If you think your teen is perfectly fine, you may be perfectly right, but even the most well-adjusted teenager occasionally experiences overwhelming emotions. Even if your teen resists sharing her intense emotions with you, make sure she always knows she can. Keep the lines of communication open and pay attention so that you'll notice when your teen's stress level escalates. You'll be ready to do something about it, whether that means seeking counseling together, seeking medical treatment, or simply sitting down for a serious heart-to-heart.
Here are some important things you can do for your stressed-out teen:
Be consistent.
Don't lose your temper.
Let your teen know you are always there; be a solid foundation.
Let your teen know you love her, no matter what.
Let your teen know he can always count on you to help him if he's in trouble.
Make it clear what behaviors you think are wrong, and why.
Set a good example by practicing stress management yourself.
Provide opportunities for your teen to practice stress management techniques with you.
Keep talking.
Don't give up!
