Where Do They All Fit?
Your stepchild is not biologically related to your family. Even though you are a stepmother, that doesn't necessarily mean that your parents are going to take on your stepchild as their grandchild. Also, your extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) might not see your stepchild as a relative — not because they don't care, but because his not being part of the family at birth often makes it difficult for people to remember to include him. They didn't experience a baby shower, a birth announcement, or any other ritual that occurs around the addition of a new child to the family. Even with adopted children, there is often some type of ceremony celebrating the child as a part of the family.
You have the potential to change this for your stepchild. The more you include your stepchild the more your family will think of him as part of the family unit. Once they recognize he is an extension of you, hopefully it will become second nature to include him in family events. Your family also might not know if they are supposed to invite him to certain events. Would he want to go to the family picnic that everyone complains about? Probably not — but it's great to let him have the option of going.
Even if you only have infrequent visitation with your stepchild, you should talk him up to your family. Let them know when he gets a great report card. If you are responding to parties, continue to mention that he might want to come if he is visiting during the next one. If they live out of town, send pictures of your stepchild. Fill your family in on what is going on in his life and this might help them feel a connection with him, or at least keep him present in their minds.
If there is an event to which you and your partner are invited by your side of the family and your stepchild isn't included, you can respond in the following ways: If your stepchild is not available to go, you could say, “Bob and I are really excited about coming to the party, but my stepson won't be coming this time. He is looking forward to coming to the next family get-together, and I am excited for him to get to know everyone.” If your step-child is available to go to the party, a not too pushy response, but one that gets your message across, might sound something like this: “Bob and I are really excited about coming to the party; would it be okay if we bring my stepson along? We are looking forward to him meeting everyone and feeling like part of the family.” In most cases, this should work. If the party is an adult-only party, you need to be respectful of that. Your stepson probably wouldn't enjoy it anyway!
What happens if your extended family is posing for a family picture? Where does your stepchild fit in? He should fit in with you and your partner. Remember, marrying your partner included taking your stepchild on, and he is now a part of your family. If there is a family picture, he should be included just as a biological child of yours would be included. Leaving him out would symbolize that he is not truly a part of your family when this is not what you are trying to achieve. Your stepchild is part of your nuclear family, and thus a part of your extended family, just as much as you are. It might take some time for everyone to come around, but over time they should do so.
