Helping Your Stepchild Find an Identity in Your Family
Your stepchild might feel very out of place in your family. He is the outsider, so feeling like one wouldn't be surprising. He might also have had life experiences that have made him self-conscious. As the child whose father died, whose mother deserted him, or who was taken away from the other biological parent due to abuse, he might feel labeled and judged. Even if he is coming from the best of circumstances, he is still “different” when it comes to your extended family. If there are other stepchildren within your extended family he will not be alone, but it will still take time for him to figure out who he is within your family.
Instead of focusing on the fact that he is the stepchild, try to focus on his other attributes. Perhaps he is a great trivia player and your family plays trivia at every get-together; let him demonstrate his talent. If you know your great-uncle is a baseball fan and your stepson is a great pitcher, introduce them and inform them of their common interest. The more comfortably he can blend in with your extended family the less obvious it will be to everyone that he is a bit of an outsider, and hopefully they will forget that he hasn't been there forever.
I have been married to my partner for over a year, but it is still painfully awkward for my stepdaughter when she visits; it is clear she feels like the outsider in the family. What can I do?
Remain patient. Bonds are not formed overnight, and although a year might seem like a long time, if she is only visiting occasionally what is the cumulative amount of time she has been with you? It probably isn't as long as it seems. Also, talk to her! Why does she feel uncomfortable? Is there something you could do to make her feel more comfortable?
Another way of helping him find his identity is by letting him find where he best fits in. You can encourage this by introducing him to family members his age and family members with common interests; but in the end, he will determine where he feels most comfortable. The cousin who is his age and loves the same author may not wind up being his friend. Instead, he might ally himself with the great-uncle who makes fabulous cakes. Help as much as you can by creating a comfortable setting, but it is the time he has on his own with your extended family that will determine his identity.
