When your new stepchild hates you, it takes strength to avoid falling into the preconceived notions your stepchild has of you. It is actually quite understandable to see how many well-intentioned stepparents turn into wicked stepmothers and stepfathers.

Don't Give Up

If you are trying your hardest to get along with your soon-to-be or current stepchild and all he does is hate you more with every nice gesture you make, it is easy to throw up your hands and say, “Fine, then I won't waste my time trying to be nice to you. I will ignore you, avoid you, and revel in joy every time you get in trouble and even point out to your father when you have misbehaved.” But this is catty and childish behavior. It is also reactive behavior to the testing your stepson is doing with you. This is exactly how he wants you to react, so he can say, “See, I told you so, she is wicked.” So don't fall for it, no matter what.

Handling Hostility

How can you deal with all the hate and nasty comments? The first stage is recognizing them and kindly and patiently commenting that you really wish he wouldn't say those things to you because you find them hurtful and you were just trying to be as kind as possible. The second stage, if the nice approach doesn't work, is to ignore the comments. You can point out that you will be ignoring them by stating, “I am ignoring your comments. I told you I found them hurtful and I really don't find them helpful to our relationship.”

If ignoring does not work and cruelness persists, you are at stage three. Here your partner can have a conversation with his child that does not blame the child, but instead validates the child's feelings and acting out but also asks that he find a better way to deal with his anger. An example would be: “Simon, I know you are really angry, and your stepmother certainly understands, too. It seems like you are constantly angry and taking it all out on her. Is there another way we can deal with your anger? If there is something you think I could do to make it better I would like to know. I think it might be fun for the two of you to get to know each other better, but it seems hard to get to that point with all this anger.” This way, the father is putting it out there that both of you hear loud and clear that he is angry and you would like to help him deal with this so you can move on and do more fun things. If the other biological parent is aware that your stepchild is being cruel and wants to help fix it, it can be quite powerful to have the other biological parent speak to the child as well, along the same lines as your partner.

If all of this does not work, you have reached stage four, calling a truce and staying out of one another's way. In this stage, you can plan visitation for times that you are not around, or have visitation at sites other than your house. If you live with the child, you can have certain zones of the house that are stepmother-free or stepchild-free during certain times. If, however, this persists, it is time to move into counseling for the child, and potentially, family counseling for everyone. Hopefully, with time, and you as the adult showing enough respect to keep your distance from the child when he needs it, your stepchild will recognize that you are not out to get him, but simply can't have a relationship with him when he is belittling or insulting you.

A stepchild of any age may harbor great dislike for you, and it may affect you a great deal or not much at all, depending on age and situation. If your adult stepchild does not like you, but you only see him once a year, it may not bother you or create an issue on a daily basis. If you interact frequently with your stepchild, you are going to have to find a way to exist in the same room as one another. As you are both adults, hopefully there will be a way that you can respect one another enough to be cordial. Keep in mind, however, that this child, whether four or forty, is a part of your partner's life and family, and you married your partner knowing this. A marriage will not necessarily change a child's attitude toward you or force him to respect you. The only way you can garner respect from another adult is to treat him with respect. This still might not work, but at least you are not doing anything to create more strife.

Overall, make every attempt you possibly can to show your stepchild that you understand his feelings, are open to discussing his feelings in an appropriate way, and want a relationship with him, even if it takes ten years. Remember, you are the adult in the situation, so you may have to swallow some pride by not reacting to nasty remarks. This is a hurting child who wants to test you and see if you really are in it for the long haul. If you thought long and hard before getting into this relationship, you should feel confident that you are in it for the long haul and be able to work with your stepchild on how to form a positive relationship.