When Your Stepchild Is in Trouble
Kids can get into mischief and make innocent mistakes, but as they get older simple mischief might turn into trouble in school or even trouble with the law. Serious trouble can stem from years of behavioral issues or from a onetime bad decision. Either way, it can impact your stepchild's entire future and disrupt the whole family. Unfortunately, when kids get in trouble people often point fingers at the parents, and if the parents are not together or do not get along, such events provide a great opportunity for them to point fingers at one another. You could even find the fingers get pointed at you for being a bad influence, too lenient, or the cause of all that is wrong with your stepchild. If you can keep an even head through this and not take the anger of either parent personally, you are likely to fare better through any turmoil.
When children misbehave, others can judge parents rather harshly and it can set the stage for parents to become quite defensive. No one wants to be blamed for his child robbing stores, cutting school, or smoking marijuana. It is much easier to blame it on another party. The fear that a parent has somehow made their child “bad” can be significant. And if a parent admits that he has neglected his child, wrongly influenced her, or somehow caused her behavior, what does that say about his parenting skills? These are real fears, and fears that many parents do not know how to handle.
One of the best ways to face the fact that a child is in trouble is to accept the news and then figure out how to tackle the issue. If the trouble has been serious enough to require court involvement, there will likely be a prescription of sorts through the court system as far as what is expected of your stepchild and the family in order to rehabilitate your stepchild. It is a good idea to consult an attorney if your stepchild is in court for even a minor offense. If your stepchild is not in legal trouble yet, exploring why she is getting in trouble is a first step to avoiding future issues. Is she unsupervised at home? Tired of her biological parents bad mouthing one another? Rebelling against you? Whatever the reason, it is helpful to know. Once you know, you can work on helping her express her anger in a healthier way.
Often kids do not know why they are misbehaving and don't necessarily like that they are getting in trouble or feeling angry. They can usually tell you they are angry (which was probably pretty obvious anyway!), but they don't always know why, and need help figuring it out. Talking to a therapist or counselor can be quite useful for your stepchild, and she might find a neutral party easier to speak with than you or her biological parents.
As you are not a biological parent, you might be able to see the situation through a less emotionally clouded lens than the biological parents. This does not mean that you are the expert or that you should make the decisions, but you might be able to lend a different perspective to your partner and the other biological parent. Pointing out what your stepchild might be angry about can be very helpful, but it must be done in a nonjudgmental way that does not point fingers at either biological parent. Noticing that your stepchild has seemed frustrated on days that her mother works late and that maybe she really misses time with her mom is a way you might be able to successfully point out your observation. If you exclaim that your stepchild is obviously angry because her mother is never around, you aren't going to be very helpful. Try to be kind to everyone involved, as trouble can be quite stressful. Approach the issue as a cry for help from your stepchild and figure out what she needs and how you and her parents can best support her and listen to her needs.
