Dealing with Skewed Stepparent Expectations
It is not rare for people to have varying expectations of you depending on your role, their role, and how they intertwine. You might be surprised to find that people expect more (and in some instances, less) from you in the role of stepparent than you had planned. Your partner, the other biological parent, your stepchild, your partner's parents, and others might have expectations of you that differ dramatically from your own. Depending on the circumstances of your stepchild's life, some people might expect you to replace the other biological parent, take over responsibilities of child care, contribute monetarily, and even change your goals. On the other hand, others might expect you to fade into the background and be available only when there is no one else. Such expectations can create tension and resentment.
Expectations from Others
If the other biological parent has passed away or is no longer in touch with your stepchild, you might find that people are excited about you taking over that missing position in your stepchild's life. They might look at you and see the person who can fill the void of home-cooked family meals, playing catch in the yard, and providing financial security. Instead of developing your own relationship with your stepchild, others might predetermine the role for you, and place every expectation they had for the other biological parent on you. This is not usually done with malice, but often out of fear and concern for your stepchild and excitement that there is someone to replace what is missing. When a parental figure is missing somehow in a child's life, other family members and friends might become concerned that your stepchild will suffer outrageously due to the loss of a parent. While it is great that your stepchild has caring and concerned folks around him, it is important that you assert yourself as someone separate from the other biological parent, and an adult with your own role that will be determined by you and your stepchild.
My mother-in-law is fixated on my taking over for my stepson's biological mother. She comments on how I should make family dinners, iron his clothes, and get to know the other mothers in the neighborhood. This isn't my idea of being a stepmom; what should I do?
You could talk to your mother-in-law about how you define stepmom and what your own expectations are. Explain that you see yourself as being a positive influence in your stepchild's life, but that it doesn't necessarily mean cooking, ironing, and mother's groups. Focus on telling her the positive things you expect of yourself as a stepparent. If this doesn't work, you might need some extra support or backup from your partner.
Just as others outside your immediate family might put expectations on you, so might your partner and stepchild. They might have been missing the other biological partner and see you as a replacement. Remind them that you want to respect the other biological parent's position in the family, and would like to create your own position — one that might including ironing, playing catch, and cooking or that might bring a whole new gamut of fun and appropriate activities and opportunities for bonding.
The Other Biological Parent's Expectations
Surprisingly, the other biological parent might have her own expectations of how you should act as a stepparent. If she is actively involved in your stepchild's life, she might see you as central in your partner's life but not necessarily a part of her child's life. If you can talk to her about your stepchild whenever the opportunity arises and ask if there are ways to be more involved or to help out, over time she might start to recognize that you are willing to take on a relationship with her child and see you as more of an integral part of her child's life.
On the other hand, you might encounter a biological parent who expects you to take on all the responsibility for her child, as well as for any other children she has. If she is asking you to do all the parenting, no longer following through on her own duties, or asking you to take care of her other biological children as well, this is not your responsibility unless you want it to be. To manage this, try talking to her about how you see yourself in your stepchild's life and also how you do not find these other expectations appropriate. Do your best to talk up the expectations you have for yourself. You might learn from the expectations of others and even implement some of them, but try not to let these expectations overwhelm you or change an already caring and wonderful relationship.
