Some children would be thrilled to have a sibling, or another sibling; others will not be very happy at all. Children under the age of eleven are going to have an easier time adjusting than teenagers, but struggle more than a child under four. The mind of a child under eleven years of age is usually not thinking of all the underlying connections and meanings to having a step-sibling. Instead, your stepchild may come up with surprising reasons why she believes you are having a child. She may also have very unexpected questions and concerns. These are normal and can come from a variety of sources; children at this age get input from so many people around them — peers, teachers, coaches, the other biological parent, television and other media, etc.

Your Stepchild's Feelings

If your stepchild seems extremely angry, ask why. You may never know unless you ask. She may think she has to share her room, because she has to share her room with her other half-sister at her mother's house. She may think her father loves you more than he loved her mother, because an adult somewhere along the line told her you only have babies with people you love more than anyone else. She may think you aren't supposed to have a baby because you are a stepmother and not a real mother, so how could you have a baby? It is important to listen to her questions and concerns and respond to them honestly. Even if your stepchild is as thrilled as can be about a baby, she may have some strange preconceived notions about what that baby means as far as her life goes.

Before you sit down with your stepchild to tell her that you and her father are having a baby and she will be a big sister, plan the right time to have that conversation. If you only see your stepchild on the weekends, you may want to have the conversation first with her mother, then with her. This will give her time alone to digest the information and consider how she will handle any questions her daughter has, and it will give you and your partner time with your stepdaughter while she adjusts to the information. Prior to telling her, prepare for questions she might ask, such as: “Why are you having another baby? You already have me.” “Where will I sleep?” “Do I have to share my toys?” “Will you love me less?” “Is he going to live with mom and me?” If you can, predict questions she will ask, but there are sure to be some unpredictable ones in the mix.

If she doesn't live with you, she may be very concerned about why this baby gets to live with her father and she doesn't. This is an issue you need to address with her before she even thinks she is being replaced. Emphasizing the importance of her relationship with this new baby is key. It is also important to keep her involved in the pregnancy as the day of the birth approaches. You can show her ultrasound pictures, give her some say in how the room is decorated, have her help pick out a name or middle name, etc. These gestures should help her feel that she is not being left in the dust for this new child.

Respect the Feelings of the Other Biological Parent

Remember that this may be a very difficult thing for the other biological parent. Similar to a wedding, this is another step in your relationship that solidifies your relationship to the public. This may also symbolize to the other biological parent and/or your stepdaughter that they are being replaced in some way. The other biological parent may have dealt with this more when you married your partner, but your stepdaughter may be really confused, especially if the news affects her other biological parent in a negative way.