The Adolescent Years
One key to the adolescent years is reminding yourself that their bodies are filled with hormones and they haven't the slightest idea how to handle them. That is why they have parents. As far as the adolescent brain is concerned, it is being run by the ever-emotional limbic system, and the areas that are not fully developed yet are areas you would often expect to be developed. The parts of the brain that are not fully formed in adolescence are those that help in decision making, self-control, emotions, organization, and judgment — most specifically, the frontal lobe.
The Science of the Adolescent Brain
Despite the lack of executive functioning, the limbic system is in full swing. The limbic system includes the amygdala, which is a part of the brain that is highly emotional. When your amygdala is making most of the decisions without the help of the frontal lobe, your decisions will be based more on emotion than your ability to rationalize safe versus unsafe behavior. An example from Gargi Talukder's article “Decision Making is Still a Work in Progress for Teenagers” states that while adults can, “…use rational decision making processes when facing emotional decisions, adolescent brains are simply not yet equipped to think through things in the same way. For example, when deciding whether to ride in a car driven by a drunk friend, an adult can usually put aside her desire to conform and is more likely to make the rational decision against drunk driving. However, a teenager's immature frontal lobes may not be capable of such a coolly rational approach, and the emotional feelings of friendship may be likely to win the battle.”
I got over my first breakup as a teenager. Why doesn't my stepchild believe me and stop crying and listening to sad music?
You may have gotten over it, but do you remember what it was like when it happened? Would you ever, in your entire life, want to go back there? Being a teenager is not easy. You may see them as having no bills, no responsibilities, and a lot of fun. In reality, they are trying to grow up; that may be the biggest job we have as humans. Put yourself back in your teenage years and you are bound to find some empathy.
This is precisely why we think teenagers are overly dramatic and out of control. If you can keep in mind that their brain has, literally, not yet fully developed, you may have a little more patience with them. This is what both you and they need.
The Age of Self-Discovery
Many of the topics adolescents are dealing with were addressed in the section on your role. Aside from sex, drugs, and alcohol, teenagers are dealing with who they are in the world. Is your stepchild the nerd who gets straight As? The jock? The middle-of-the-road kid? Does she want to be that person? This is the time when your stepchild will be pulled in many different directions. Does she hate being the smart kid? Should she prove herself by boozing it up with her friends?
It is tough to be a teenager: They don't know how to make tough choices; their social life is probably the most stressful part of their life; it is awful to know you aren't cool. But remember, you cannot protect them from everything. What you can do is respect your stepchild and love her unconditionally. If she is a dork, love her dorkiness and celebrate it by getting to know some of the dorky things that interest her. If she is a jock, appreciate this, go to her games, and help her balance sports and school. Celebrate her as an individual, and no matter who she is becoming, love her.
