Acknowledging the Other Biological Parent's Position
No matter how difficult the breakup or amicable the relationship, you must always acknowledge the other biological parent's position. It is easier to see in many ways when there is animosity because you are looking for reasons why people are behaving badly. When everyone seems happy, however, it is easy to forget that the other biological parent may even have a position. When it comes down to it, your stepchild is their child, their flesh and blood. By allowing you to form a relationship with their child, they are trusting you; even if the visit is court ordered and they have no choice — they still have to accept the fact that their child is going to have a relationship with another adult that they have no control over. This can be threatening, anxiety provoking, sad, great — it can be just about anything at any time. It is part of your job as an adult to be mindful of this.
Many possible scenarios exist. You might be younger and in better shape; what if their child likes you more and thinks you are more fun? You may have a great job and seem to bring out in your significant other what she could not. Their daughter likes to talk to you about her new boyfriend. Their son would rather play football with you because you are more athletic. Even the most benign moment between you and your stepchild could bring up all sorts of emotions for the other biological parent. It is important that you keep this in the back of your mind at all times.
Children always adjust better to change if they can have access to both biological parents. This means not only seeing the other biological parent but also thinking well of her. Sometimes visitations can be painful and revive old wounds for the other biological parent, but such visits are important for your stepchild's emotional health and well-being.
Even the kindest ex may be sad every time she sees you because you have a relationship with her daughter that is more about fun and less about discipline. So remember the emotions of the other biological parent. You never know when these emotions might flare up. You will be better prepared to manage any out-of-character behaviors if you keep in mind that this parent, no matter how wounded, cruel, or distant, is trusting you with her child.
No one knows her child better than a parent. A parent often knows the simplest solutions — a solution that is often so subtle they may not even realize how valuable and needed it is. They may, for example, know of a solution that is as simple as rocking a child to a certain rhythm or pouring his juice in a certain way. This is part of the priceless information a parent brings to the table, so try to respect that parent.
