Strategies to Blend Well
Blending children is not going to happen because you want it to, because you tell them they have to, or because they now share a room. It will happen when you let them get to know one another, feel comfortable with one another, and have time to interact with one another without parents hovering over them. It is a bit of a hurry-up-and-wait process. It would be much easier if they would just get along with one another immediately, but the more you force it the longer it will take.
Give Stepsiblings Time to Get to Know Each Other
Before your children can blend, they need time to get used to each other. They may need to get used to sharing a bathroom, waiting at the bus stop together, or recognizing that the cookies that used to be only for them are now shared with these stepsiblings. It takes a little while for these tiny events — huge in the eyes of your children — to shake out. Once these shake out, the children can start seeing each other as stepsiblings. They are now part of each other's families. If all the children live together, this process may go a bit faster since they will spend more time together. You may also find you hit obstacles sooner and with more frequency since the children are living with one another. In this situation, it is important that you and your partner address issues immediately. If your daughter is constantly eating your stepson's favorite cookies, leaving him with none, explain to your daughter that these cookies are her stepbrother's and asking him to share them may be a better approach than just eating all of them. Maybe they will even bond over their favorite cookie.
Consider having family meetings. You may want to have them twice a week when everyone first moves in, just to see how the adjustment is going. A formal family meeting will help all children feel like there is a place where their concerns will be heard and addressed. If your children and stepchildren believe they have a voice in this new family, they may feel less threatened and more a part of the new unit.
Include Noncustodial Children in Family Activities
If you are blending children who visit with children who live with you and your partner, you will need to be sure you include the visiting children in major events and decisions. The visiting children may feel that they are not truly part of the new family unit since they are not there all the time and don't get to participate in everything you do with each other. Try to include them by inviting them over for events such as birthday celebrations for the children who live with you or a night out to dinner. Consider saving certain celebrations for weekends when the other children will be visiting. If you make an effort to include them in special occasions as well as in daily life, they will feel that you consider them an important part of the family.
There are many little gestures that can make huge differences. Plan activities you can all take part in so you can build memories together. The more active you can be as a family when all of the children are present the more they will feel like part of the family. Keep in contact with them by phone or e-mail when they are not visiting. You may even suggest to the children who live with you to call their stepsiblings with exciting news. If your daughter who lives with you hits a homerun, suggest that she call her stepbrother at his house to tell him the good news. This will remind the children who do not live there that they are still thought of as important members of the family even when they aren't present.
When Children Live with the Other Biological Parent
When all of the children between you and your partner live elsewhere, it may take a little longer for the basic getting-used-to-each-other to happen. Daily routines may seem awkward for months since everyone has to get used to them all over again once they arrive. Opportunities for the children to interact with one another are less frequent, so it is important for you and your partner to build-in times when the children can be with each other away from adult influences. These won't be part of the day as much as they are in the other scenarios, so you may have to force some situations a bit. As much as you want all of the children to get along and feel part of a family unit, it is also important to have them visit as they did prior to your marriage or relationship. This way, each parent can continue to keep the relationship between him and his children special, and have quality time with them. If you can have time alone with your stepchildren and your partner can have time alone with your children, this may also help build relationships as a family.
Don't have the out-of-sight, out-of-mind attitude, only working on cohesiveness when everyone is around. Keep everyone feeling part of the family by creating a web page that everyone can contribute to, even when they are not visiting with you or living with you. Creating the feeling of a cohesive family takes work by both you and your partner — especially at times when all of the children are elsewhere.
This time of blending is also a great time to initiate new traditions and make sure everyone knows everyone else's birthdays or any big events on the horizon. Despite efforts to make the best of the new family and give it memories and rituals all its own, you may find that people are not meshing or willing to work on getting along. If this is the case, it is a good idea to see a counselor or mediator. Counseling can be a great way of working through the issues that are keeping your family from blending. This may not fix everything either, and you may end up having a family that just doesn't blend. Let it go for a while. The children do not need to be best friends; they simply need to be respectful of one another and tolerate each other when they are together. If you can accomplish this, the rest may come in time.
