Whose House: Yours, Theirs, or New?
Everyone knows you are moving in together, but where will that be? Can you fit in your house? Is her house close enough to the other biological parent? Is this an opportunity to move to a new home or even a new city? Deciding where to live can be difficult, while also being one of the most fun activities to do as a family. There are many aspects to consider when moving and children are involved; you may find the final decision depends on something relevant to your stepchild.
Your House
Your home may seem like the perfect option if it is big enough and close to where the children and the other biological parent already live. If the situation is one where your girlfriend's house was too small and your house is bigger and in the area, yours may be fine. The other biological parent may agree that your house is fine as well if he realizes his children will still be just as close if they move in with you. If you have also suffered a recent marital breakup, you may find that you don't want to stay in your home either if it holds negative memories.
Their House
When one of you lives in a house in which you lived with an ex, or in a house that has bad memories, it is a good idea to consider a different house. It may feel uncomfortable for you to move into a house with your significant other that she used to share with her husband. This situation may also be uncomfortable for the children, as you are literally moving in on Dad's turf. Seeing you sleep in a bed Dad shared with Mom or sitting in Dad's seat in the living room can be a lot for your stepchildren to stomach, and may be difficult for you as well. Their father may also have issue with this, and if the divorce is going to be a battle, you may find you must move due to court decisions.
No matter which house might seem the best, moving must be weighed against the disruption it will cause the children. If your partner feels the need to maintain as much stability as possible by staying in her current home, you need to agree for the sake of the children, no matter how inconvenient. Once the children are more comfortable with the marital change in their lives, they might be ready to move to a new home.
If the other biological parent moved out a long time ago and has moved on with his life, it will be less difficult for everyone to see you in that setting. The difficulty of the breakup and timing of the breakup will have a lot of impact on how comfortable it will be for you and your stepchildren if you move into their home.
A New House
A new house can be costly, but if you have the means to move into a home that is new to all of you, you are all on a more equal playing field. If you are bringing two sets of children together — yours and your significant other's — and you will be living together full time, a new house may be the necessary solution.
Moving one set of children into a house that already belongs to other children can be very difficult for all the children. It will be difficult for the children moving in to feel like this house is theirs; the children who already live in the house may feel and act territorial. Asking a child to share a room that was once his and his alone will be tough for both children, and symbolizes both children's greatest fears: The child moving in will never feel like the room is really his and the child whose room it is will feel pushed aside and imposed upon. Both children will feel forced together. It is best to avoid these situations if possible.
Consider Location
When deciding where to live and which housing option is best, geography is a factor that requires much consideration. For the adults in the situation, concerns such as being close to work and convenience to health clubs, friends, and social activities may be very important.
For the children, the following are important:
They can easily go between parental houses if custody is shared.
They can visit with relative ease if custody is only on a visitation level.
They will not be too disrupted as far as friends and social interests are concerned.
They have access to a good school district.
The neighborhood or complex is safe and child friendly.
The house has enough room for them to have privacy when needed.
These are issues your stepchildren may not think of on their own, but something you and your significant other should keep in mind and even bring up with them while deciding on the best place to live.
Involve Your Stepchildren in Decisions
Regardless of where you end up living, it is unlikely the choice will appease everyone. Keep in mind that this move symbolizes a huge change in your stepchildren's lives. Involve them as much as you can in the decision making. If you house hunt together, ask your stepchildren for their opinions. And then, really listen to their answers — children notice funny things about houses and neighborhoods that can be very useful. Did they like the neighborhood? Would they like to live in the house where they have to share a bedroom but have an extra bathroom or would they prefer to share a bathroom but have individual bedrooms? What bothers them about the area?
Once the move has happened, have them help make decisions about the little things, such as where the toaster should go or what color the bathroom should be. All of these little things will help your stepchildren feel like they are part of the process. You and your significant other will have the final say; however, considering your stepchildren and respecting their opinions will make it a true family decision.
