Age and the number of broken relationships your stepchild has experienced will affect his ability to cope with your divorce. A baby or toddler might not remember a breakup unless you have been the primary caretaker throughout the child's life. Children three years of age and older, however, will most likely remember a breakup or at least the stress related to the event. Although your breakup will cause some emotional upheaval regardless of your stepchild's age or past experiences, there are certain things that may hinder or help him cope depending on his age.

For children under four years of age, the parting might be more traumatic for you. It will become quite traumatic for any child if you cry excessively or argue with your partner in front of your stepchild.

How It Affects Children Four to Ten Years Old

Children from four to about ten years of age will probably have a lot of questions that they may or may not ask. There is often confusion for children experiencing a divorce between adults involved in their lives and fear about what it means for them and their relationship with you and their biological parent. Talk to your stepson and find out if he has any questions. Does he understand that you will still love him even if you don't stay married to his parent? Does he know that this isn't his fault and sometimes adults need time apart? These are questions he might have, but be too afraid to ask. Addressing them up front will let him know that you are open to discussing this and that you do want to hear his concerns. Children in this age group might also feel very unsettled if this is a pattern for their biological parent. Talking to them regarding fears about losing multiple parental figures is also important.

How It Affects Preteens and Teens

Preteens and teens tend to be savvy about relationships and might have already picked up on the fact that you are breaking up. You might start discussions with a teenager a bit earlier than you would with a child, and also have more candid discussions. There is still no need to tell a teen the nitty-gritty of the relationship, but he will understand more than a younger child. Adolescents will probably have questions similar to those of their younger counterparts, but they might be able to ask them more comfortably. Also, at this age teenagers tend to confide in each other, school personnel, and other trustworthy adults. If your stepchild is finding comfort in speaking with his school counselor, be happy that he has found someone to talk to about the situation.

Any time a pattern of multiple relationships and breakups occurs, kids involved are at risk of becoming hardened to relationships and rather disenchanted. This tends to be more obvious with teenagers and those who are older than teens. They might have assumed you were going to leave the day they met you, so it doesn't appear to have much of an impact on them. They also might be angry that this is happening again, and not want to maintain a relationship with you after the split. You can't force a relationship on your stepchildren — especially teenagers. But, you can continue to reach out in a nonthreatening way, just to let them know you are still there. E-mail, text messaging, letters, or cards are ways of connecting that your stepchild will not have to respond to if he doesn't feel ready. You are still letting him know that you are there for him, but not forcing him to respond or communicate with you.

How It Affects Adult Stepchildren

Older teenagers and adults are really at a point where they can determine how they would like their relationship with you to continue and are often more vocal about space they need or what they need to best deal with the split. With age comes emotional knowledge, but don't forget that they still might be hurting. Your thirty-year-old stepson might be very upset and quite worried that your relationship with him will disappear now that the marriage is over. No matter what your stepchild's age, be open and honest, give him the space he needs, and continue to follow through on any promises you made.