Picking bridesmaids, groomsmen, china, and locations can be fun, but also frustrating. When stepchildren are involved, it can be a matter of not stepping on anyone's toes, including everyone appropriately, inviting people you may not have any desire to ever see unless absolutely forced to, and remembering the reason you are going through all this pain and suffering — to marry the person you love. Including your stepchild may bring the level of anxiety up a little bit, but at the same time, it may bring the level of joy up as well. Just like a wedding without stepchildren, it is a balancing act between frustration and fun.

Factors to Consider

There are five main factors that will help you determine how and if your stepchild should participate in the wedding:

• The age of your stepchild

• Your relationship with your stepchild

• Your partner's relationship with your stepchild

• Your stepchild's desire to be a part of the wedding

• The other biological parent's feelings about your stepchild's involvement

Each one of these should factor into your decision on the best way to include your stepchild. They should also help guide you in deciding on a role for the stepchild that will make everyone feel the most comfortable. It can be rather tricky, and feelings can get hurt even if you are extremely careful. One thing that may help is that weddings have become a little less formal in terms of who takes on which position. There is even room for you to create a special position if you are struggling too much with fitting your stepchild into the wedding. Instead, fit the role to your stepchild.

Age Considerations

As far as age is concerned, if your stepdaughter is six, the role of flower girl may be perfect. If your stepdaughter is fifty-six, the role of flower girl would be insulting; however, a reading role may be perfect. Age is one of the most helpful factors in determining where your stepchild fits. Very young children can be flower girls and ring bearers, preteens can be junior bridesmaids and groomsmen, and older children can be bridesmaids or groomsmen. Preteens and above can have an extra part in your ceremony, like reading, singing, or performing a church-required duty. There is a way to incorporate everyone, no matter what the age.

Difficult Ages

The toughest ages to deal with are teenagers and young adults, the fifteen to about twenty-three year olds. Not only are they at a difficult age in general, they could fit into a number of roles and could be quite offended if you put them in one they don't find suitable. For example, if you have a fabulous stepson who you would love to have as a best man, it may seem silly to have him as anything else. If your stepson is only seventeen, however, and he is consumed by school and has no organizational skills, it may be very overwhelming for him, his other biological parent, and you to have him as the best man by himself. To remedy this, you could have two best men, one who will take over control of the rules and requirements that come along with the job and the other, your stepson, to be honored as a best man on your wedding day. You could even call them Best Man and Honorary Best Man. This is where creativity is needed and can really make your wedding planning fun.

With a stepdaughter, you may also find you struggle with a role for teenagers. Should she be a bridesmaid or your maid of honor? Maybe you don't have a maid of honor at all, but instead name your bridesmaids according to your theme or their personalities. For example, you could have a Maid of Making You Laugh, a Maid of Keeping You in Line, and so on. This is your wedding; you have some creative license in determining roles for people you wish to involve in your special day.

Consider the Relationship

Your relationship with your stepchild will also play a part in how you choose her involvement in the wedding. This is strongly influenced by your partner's relationship with his child. It is with these two relationships that you may need to compromise the most. If you are very close to your stepdaughter, it is less likely that your partner's relationship with his daughter will cause you to find some sort of middle ground. In this situation you would probably place her in a visible role in the wedding and it is unlikely your partner would argue with this.

If, however, you do not get along well or feel very comfortable with your stepdaughter but your partner feels strongly that she hold an important role in the wedding, you may need to compromise. Although this is your wedding, it is also your partner's wedding and he should be able to include those he cares for in ways he finds suitable. If he wants his daughter to be your maid of honor and you really don't want her to be, you could suggest she be his best maid. This way you are including her in a positive and important role for your partner, and you are still able to choose the person you feel best fits the maid of honor position.

If You Don't Want Your Stepchild to Participate

If you don't want to have your stepchildren in the wedding at all, you need to think about what this means as far as the future of your relationship. Your stepchildren are going to be there forever; not feeling as though they should be a part of your wedding, while your partner does, is a very strong sign that you may not be ready to share your life with these stepchildren. You and your partner need to agree on how these children will be a part of your lives. Will they hold a central role? Will this negatively affect your marriage? If so, now is the time to figure that out, not after you walk down the aisle.

Your Stepchild Does Not Want to Participate

Some children may not wish to be in the wedding at all. Some may not even want to attend. However, this should not alter your wedding plans or change your wedding, unless it is possible that your stepchild will change her mind about the wedding in the near future. If you give her too much control over marital decisions, you might be allowing her to run the show for years to come. Forcing a child's participation or attendance is a huge mistake and has the potential to make everyone miserable.

If your stepchild was able to tell you or your partner that she is not comfortable being in the wedding, you should respect her feelings and not make her be in the wedding. A child may decide not to be in the wedding for a variety of reasons. She may simply be terribly shy and not want to be on display. In this case, you could thank her or acknowledge her in a more private way.

Your stepchild may not be happy about the wedding, and she has the right to feel this way. Hopefully, her feelings will change in time. In these cases, be sure to explain to the child and the other biological parent that you would love for her to participate and will hold a spot for her if she changes her mind. You can also give her options. She may not want to be a bridesmaid, but might like to sit at the head table. She may decide at the last minute that she wants to be a part of the wedding to support her father, and tells you this the night before. If you are prepared for this possibility, it will not be a problem.

If the breakup between your partner and his ex was particularly difficult, your stepchild may not want to support the marriage by even attending, and this is fine as well. Similar to a child who doesn't want to participate, be sure to keep the opportunity for your stepchild to attend open. Instead of grumbling if she decides to attend at the final hour, thank her for coming and enjoy her presence.

The Other Biological Parent's Role

The other biological parent also has some say in how your stepchild participates, more so when the child is younger and/or if the other biological parent is a primary custodian. If your stepchild is six years old and your partner only has visitation rights, the other biological parent will have a lot of control over whether the child participates in the wedding. If he is absolutely against this new marriage, he may tell you that the child cannot participate, and there may not be anything you or your partner can do about it.

If the other biological parent is open to the wedding and your stepchild's participation, asking the other biological parent's opinion about how to include your stepchild is a nice way of acknowledging the other biological parent and finding out how your stepchild will feel the most comfortable. As children become teenagers, they will probably be more vocal about how they want to participate, and the other biological parent may not be as much of a factor.

Involving Your Stepchildren

Since you are not only getting married to your partner but also creating a new family unit, you may wish to recognize the creation of this new unit by giving your stepchild a memento of the day. You and your spouse can have your stepchild come up at the end of the ceremony so you can give him a chain with a family medallion or give your stepdaughter a ring, symbolizing her part in your new family unit. You may choose to do this prior to the ceremony, at a different time entirely, or during the ceremony. If you do decide to include your stepchild in this way, you may want to run it by her to see if she would be comfortable receiving this gift in front of everyone at the ceremony. You may want to give it to her in front of everyone but she may not, and you don't want to ruin a special moment because you have humiliated your stepdaughter.

Wedding planning can be fun and stressful at the same time. You must be willing to be creative to cut down on stress and increase the fun. You also need to practice the flexibility you will need to use the rest of your life when it comes to involving and dealing with your stepchild. Your stepchild will be involved in your life from now on, and the list of people to consider when making a decision for your future will be similar to the list of people who factor into your stepchild's role in the wedding. This is good practice for the rest of your life together.