Now that you are officially married you are officially a parent, with all the benefits of the kids listening to you, respecting you, and calling you Mom, right? Wrong. You may find that not a thing changes once you are married. Or you may find that you are, in fact, treated with less respect, and no one listens to you or even speaks to you. Establishing your new role does not happen once the ring is on your finger; it has been happening during your engagement and will continue throughout your marriage. You are now legally a wife and stepmom, but emotionally this is an adjustment that will take time for everyone — including you.

First of all, you need to get used to the idea of being married and thinking of yourself as a wife or husband. You are still the same person, but now you are officially in your partner's life. You may have been acting much like a wife for the past four years, but now you are legally married. This might feel kind of strange at first, but you will most likely get used to it, and you should definitely make time to enjoy it.

Second, others need to get used to the idea of you being a wife. Your husband now has a wife and is a husband. Your stepchildren may not look at you as their stepmom, but you are now their dad's wife, no matter how they feel about you. Third, your financial position may now be different in the relationship. Sometimes when people are married they combine everything, and your name and your spouse's may now be on the house, the checking account, the bills, and your stepchild's emergency contact information.

Should You Change Your Name?

Many changes may come with your new role. If you are considering changing your name, or if you would like your partner to change her name to your name, this is a conversation that should take place well before the wedding. A biological mother who shares her last name with her children might wish to keep her last name to make things less confusing for her children. She might also decide to hyphenate her name. Try not to take this personally, but instead look at it from her perspective or her children's perspective. It might be quite a struggle for your stepchildren to suddenly have a parent who no longer shares their last name.

Conversely, if you are considering changing your name to your partner and stepchild's last name, find out how they feel about this first. To a child this might feel like you are trying to take the place of their mother. If their mother was always Mrs. Marshall and now you are Mrs. Marshall, it might not sit well with your stepchild. You can always change your name later or find out if hyphenating would be a more comfortable situation for everyone.

Another factor to consider is how the other biological parent might react or feel about you taking on the same name as her children. This doesn't have to be the deciding factor, but if she is keeping the last name, it might help if you don't take it until the children are done with all their schooling so it is not as hurtful for her or as confusing for them.

New Responsibilities

Thinking of yourself as a wife or husband may take some time, whether this is your first marriage or you are becoming a spouse for the fifth time. How you define yourself as a wife or husband is really up to you, and everyone does it a bit differently. There will be outside expectations, and people will expect you to know certain things about your spouse and your stepchild now that you are in a spousal relationship. You may also be counted on for things you may not have been expected to do before, such as planning your husband's birthday parties, contributing financially to the family, and sending out holiday cards. If this is how you see your role as a spouse, then this should be a rather fun adjustment for you. Many people do not see their role changing much as they go from fiancé to spouse. Instead, they feel it is just a title, and expect things to go on as they always have. Oftentimes, this is because a spouse has already been doing some of the actions typically involved in spousal relationships before the actual wedding date.

Ease Into Being a Family

As mentioned earlier, your stepchildren may not look to you as a step-mom but acknowledge you as their father's wife. Regardless of how your stepchildren think of you, it is important that they show respect by either engaging with you in a positive way or by being courteous enough to avoid you if they cannot stand you or do not approve of your marriage. Your husband may have to talk to them and others about the fact that you are now his wife and he expects some level of civility from them. If they have never been civil to you, they are not going to start now. They may feel that they have to accept you now that it is official, so your relationship may get easier. They may also be so angry that it is official they actually get worse before they get better about accepting you. It can play out in many different ways, and every situation is slightly different.

Don't force your stepchildren to accept you immediately; it will take time. Keep being respectful of your spouse, your stepchildren, and the other parent, and hopefully things will fall into place.