What Not to Do with Your Stepchild
This list could go on forever, unfortunately. Some items on the list are obvious and some may not be obvious. The tough part for you is that you probably want your stepchild to like you, and acts that seem relatively harmless can be horribly detrimental if they play out poorly. The top ten don'ts are the following:
Do not buy your stepchild alcohol or drugs.
Do not provide your stepchild with birth control unless approved by a biological parent.
Do not lie for your stepchild (unless you are planning a surprise party or something along those lines).
Do not party with an underage stepchild.
Do not discuss your marital stress with your stepchild.
Do not criticize either biological parent to your stepchild.
Do not become involved in a sexual relationship with your stepchild or his friends.
Do not undermine anything the biological parents have said or done.
Do not use your stepchild to get back at either biological parent.
Do not physically or emotionally harm your stepchild.
Although some of these may sound ridiculous, they may not be in some situations. For instance, suppose you are at a family party and everyone is imbibing. Your sixteen-year-old stepson asks, “Can I have just one beer?” You may think, “What is the harm? One beer is fine. Everyone else is letting their kids drink a little, plus I've seen his mother give him a beer before, so why not?” His mother may then show up at the party earlier than expected and see her son with a beer. When she asks where he got the beer and learns you said he could have one, this won't help your relationship with your stepson or his mother. Do not get sucked into these sorts of predicaments. Before making decisions, think about how everyone would react if you did any of the above, and how you would feel if someone allowed your child to do any of those things.
Children who feel they have an adult to talk to about issues such as sex and drugs are less likely to engage in high-risk behaviors than children who feel as though they cannot talk to the adults in their lives. Be that caring, communicative adult if you can.
Birth Control
The issue of birth control is one of the most challenging issues for stepparents. It may seem like common sense to provide your stepchild with birth control, whether condoms, pills, or any other contraception, but this is a shaky area. At least one of the biological parents should know before you help your stepchild obtain birth control. It is likely that your stepchild feels more comfortable talking to you about birth control since you are not his parent. It's great that he feels he can trust you. You don't want to break his trust by running to one of his parents to tell them he's having sex.
You can act as a mediator of sorts if your stepchild is okay with you discussing this with either parent. If he is unsure, you can bring up to either parent that Johnny's friends seem like they are talking about sex a lot, or spending a significant amount of time with their partners. You can then suggest that you have a discussion with your stepson if the biological parent is comfortable with you having such a discussion. This can open up the lines of communication and may help your stepson speak with his biological parents. If there is no way you can talk to either biological parent, you can encourage your stepchild to see his doctor, school counselor, or school nurse, who can have that type of conversation with him and provide contraception or tell him where he can access birth control.
If you think for a second that you may be providing your stepchild with something either biological parent would not approve of, then don't. It may appear to disrupt your relationship with your stepchild at first, but as time goes on, it will only earn you the respect of your stepchild and the biological parents. Being consistent, safe, trustworthy, and open to new experiences is the best way to set the stage for bonding with your stepchild. Give it time and enjoy the process.
