Developing a Bond While Respecting the Biological Parent-Child Relationship
Now that you are officially a stepparent, hopefully you are ready to take on this new mentor/parent role in the relationship. What you do not want to do, however, is take the place of a biological parent or compete with the other biological parent for your stepchild's affection. Remember that your relationship with your stepchild is distinct from his relationships with his biological parents.
This goes for the other adults in your stepchild's life as well. His relationship with his mother is their relationship. His relationship with his father is between the two of them. Each relationship is different and there is no need to compare them. Also, if you have more than one stepchild, your relationship with each stepchild will differ. There is no need to compare these relationships either; all you can do is control how you behave in your relationship with your stepchild or stepchildren. It shouldn't matter if your stepchild currently hates his biological mother; your relationship should not benefit because someone else's is suffering.
Now that I am a stepmother, shouldn't bonding come easier for me?
Not necessarily; in fact, bonding may halt for a while because you are now truly a stepparent. No matter how well the wedding went, your stepchild still has to adjust to you in this new role. She may take a step back before she is ready to bond with you as a stepparent. Be patient and don't hurry the relationship.
Respect Everyone's Feelings
How do you do this? You should be sensitive to the biological parents in the situation. It is not likely your stepchild will pit you against your partner during times when your partner and stepchild do not see eye to eye. It is likely, however, that your stepchild, often unknowingly, will pit you against the other biological parent. If you have a fifteen-year-old stepdaughter who hates her mother because, “she is stupid and I hate her because she is stupid,” then she may come to you to vent about how stupid her mom is. This is fine in some respects, because you are an adult from whom she may be seeking feedback, and venting may help her do this. However, if you agree with her that her mom is stupid you have crossed a line and will be disrespecting her relationship with her biological mother. Instead of agreeing that her mom is stupid, tell her that you understand she is feeling angry with her mom but you are sure her mom is trying her hardest, and maybe they are just going through a rocky time in their relationship. You can be supportive of your stepchild by listening to her and suggesting ways to better communicate with her mother, and at the same time respect her relationship with her mother by not saying anything negative about her mom or her actions.
What if your stepdaughter's mother did something mean and you want to agree with your stepdaughter to make her feel better? You can tell your stepdaughter that you understand why her mother's actions made her feel sad or mad, but avoid saying that mom is mean, stupid, bad, or cruel — even if she is. The way to avoid this is to focus on your stepdaughter's feelings in relation to her mother's actions. This way, if you speak with her mother, you can say, “When you called Tricia a brat, it really hurt her feelings” instead of, “You are so mean; I can't believe you called Tricia a brat. She thinks you are cruel, and so do I.” By doing this, you continue to respect their relationship even if you disagree with the way her mother handles things.
Forming a New Bond
Once you have the respect piece of the relationship down, you should work on how to bond with your stepchild. If you have been involved with your stepchild for years, this may have already happened and will probably continue. If, however, it has not been smooth sailing, you may have to force the issue. Don't deceive your stepchild into bonding with you, but you may have to plan some outings or activities that are out of the norm. One of the best ways to bond with your stepchild is to take an interest in something that interests her. If she loves horses, read about them so you can converse with her about them. Let your stepchild further educate you about the topic. Mention that you have read about a new method of training horses, and ask if she knows anything about it, or simply ask what kind of horse is her favorite.
Kids love to have a captive audience — even if they generally hate you. Any adult who will listen to them without judging, looking bored, or acting like they already know the information or know more information will gain points with most kids. Not many people really listen to kids and hear what they are saying. If you do this, you are on your way to creating a bond even if your stepchild doesn't think she wants one. An ear that is willing to listen is hard to resist.
When you listen to your stepchild, do not try to solve her problems. Listen; don't cut her off, and don't tell her you know how she is feeling. Listen to her and keep your mouth shut. Tell her you understand that she is feeling sad or mad, but don't tell her you know exactly how she feels — you don't. Listen to her, and you will speak volumes without saying a word.
If you have a hard time even getting your stepchild to sit in the same room as you, offer to drive her somewhere next time she wants to go out. Car time is precious, especially with teenagers. The car is nonthreatening; there is an end in sight, a radio or scenery for distraction, and she is not even required to make eye contact with you. You may even find that the only time you seem to get along with your stepchild is in the car. For now, that is fine. Build your relationship however you can. If she offers you five minutes, take them and don't push for ten.
