It's natural to have expectations for your child. You want him to be able to make his way comfortably in the world, to behave appropriately, to make friends, to play with pleasure and ability, and to learn efficiently. Those are understandable hopes, and you don't have to abandon them entirely.

But if you are expecting your child to do things that he truly is not able to do, on a neurological level and at this time, that can be a little cruel. Realistic expectations are not the same as no expectations or reduced expectations. They're just expectations that set your child up for success instead of failure. And what parent wouldn't want to do that?

Your job as a parent — and it's an important one — is to accurately assess your child's ability and set your expectations accordingly. Just as you wouldn't expect your five year old to be able to do things your ten year old does, don't expect your youngster with developmental delays to be able to do things at the same level as her peers.

If you know your child has trouble with motor planning, don't expect her to be able to clean up her own room without help; give her small tasks one at a time and all the assistance she needs. If you know your child can't distinguish individual sounds in a roomful of noise, don't keep calling to her and getting angry. Instead, walk over to her, tap her on the shoulder, and then expect her to listen. You know your child better than anybody. If even you can't accommodate her, how can she ever trust that anyone else will?

Knowing your child's limits and respecting them isn't just a kindness to her, but to you and to anybody who's within earshot when she melts down or blows up. When you force a child who hates noise to go to a mall, or expect your child with low muscle tone to endure a long walk, or ask your child with vestibular dysfunction to sit through a long family dinner without moving, or put a bunch of foods your child finds hard to smell and swallow on the table at once, you are as good as asking your child to have a temper tantrum. The fault does not lie with your child. The fault lies with you, for knowingly exceeding the limits. As they say in traffic court, ignorance of the law is no excuse.

A smart use of your knowledge of your child's limits, on the other hand, can leave both you and your child with a feeling of success and empowerment. Figure out how long your child can keep it together at the mall, and plan to leave ten minutes before that. Congratulate him on doing such a great job of self-control. Take your child on short chatty walks, and let him know how well he's doing.

Give your child little jobs to do during mealtimes to give him an excuse to move. Introduce one very small portion of one difficult-to-deal-with food and give your child lots of enthusiastic positive feedback for trying it. Work within your child's limits, and you'll be able to congratulate yourself, too, for a situation well handled.