You've heard the old expression before, “For what it's worth …” and then the person begins to unload on you all of the criticism and negativity that they can find. Well, “for what it's worth,” you don't have to take it. “For what it's worth,” you can choose to have your own method of evaluating your life, work, and performance. “For what it's worth,” you can learn to let unconstructive criticism wash away with the water.

The Desire to Improve

Everyone wants to improve in one fashion or another; it is human nature. Everyone has small and large habits that need breaking, attitudes that need adjusting, and weaknesses that need strengthening. One way to do this is by garnering feedback from people you trust.

You should recognize up-front, however, that not all people, not even your friends, are accomplished in the art of feedback and criticism. Although they may mean well, they may choose words and phrases that are inappropriate and they may choose a time to give you feedback that is inappropriate.

Some people, even your friends, will use criticism as a way to put you in your place. Once again, they have found a weakness and they may use that weakness to exploit your inadequate feelings. When seeking to improve your actions and behaviors through feedback, understand that you may not always get the response that you want. Some people may be more honest than you would like them to be.

Therefore, you have to be prepared to hear what they have to say. It goes back to the age-old expression, “If you have the courage to ask the question, you must have the courage to hear the answer.”

Do remember, however, that not all feedback is true. You need to look at feedback as a means to help improve your weakness, not as an end-all and be-all. Other people's opinions are just that — their opinions. You may value their opinion, but you will still need to look at their feedback through a sifter.

You will need to take what they say, evaluate if they are being fair, look at the perspective in which it was given, and then decide if you will accept and act on that feedback. It is healthy to seek feedback on habits, behaviors, attitudes, and activities that you wish to improve. It shows that you have enough courage to seek the advice of others. However, keep in mind that you have the final word in what is true and untrue in your life.

The Case of Luanda

Luanda fished for feedback more than most people. She seemed to need it to function. However, Luanda was not really looking for feedback as much as she was looking for praise and affirmation. Feedback can certainly include praise, but Luanda needed praise more than most, so when feedback came that was less than sterling, she did one of two things — she got angry or she got hurt. No one could predict which was coming.

One day at work, Luanda made a presentation about a project on which she and her team had been working. They had spent over three weeks putting together a training program for a new client. When she presented the new program to her counterparts at the consulting firm, the feedback was, on a whole, excellent.

However, there were suggestions coming from a few senior members on ways to strengthen the project. Maurice, one of her associates working on another team, made a number of positive comments, but also made a number of constructive, helpful suggestions. He based his suggestions on his work with a similar client in a similar situation.

He prefaced his remarks by saying that he and his team had worked with a similar client and that he offered the comments so that Luanda and her team might learn from his team's mistakes. When he completed his comments, most everyone in the room agreed that his points for improvement were valid. The manager asked Luanda to make the necessary changes to her team's program to strengthen it. She agreed.

Once the meeting was over, Luanda stopped Maurice in the hallway. He thought that she was going to thank him for his assistance, but instead, she began to berate and attack him in front of other colleagues.

“How could you do that to me in front of everyone?” she questioned angrily. “I thought we were friends. I never expected this type of treatment from you.” She continued on for over five minutes about how unfaithful he had been and how he just wanted her and her team to fail. She even suggested that he was out to get her fired. Maurice was in complete shock. He did not know that Luanda would respond this way. He did not realize that she presented the project for praise, and that she didn't really want anyone's suggestions for improvement.