Just as some people aid their unhealthy self-esteem by choosing to live in the past, others scamper to the other side. They choose to run from the past and all of the memories and pain it brings. Just as living in that past can harm you, running from it can, too.

Running away from things in your past that scared you, angered you, or caused you emotional distress will never bring you peace. The only way that the fear, anger, and distress can disappear is to revisit the situation and try to bring some clarity to the “now.”

Unfinished Business

Think for a moment about your past. Do you have any unfinished business that is looming over you like a dark cloud? It may be something from last week, last year, or last decade. Having unfinished business is like leaving a movie before it is over; you never know the ending. You never know who survives or thrives.

Unfinished business can involve relationships, unfulfilled commitments, fragmented projects, lingering emotional problems, anger, fear, and guilt to name a few. Perhaps the most serious of unfinished business is that of tattered relationships left to decay. This can be one of the most serious types of unfinished business because it may be the cause of some of the other negative feelings you have from the past. Frayed relationships can involve those of old lovers, husbands, wives, friends, coworkers, partners, or even distant acquaintances. They can exist because of your neglect or the neglect of the other person.

Think back on a past relationship that just dissipated and you (or the other person) did nothing to bring the relationship to closure. The relationship could have been damaged over an argument, a misunderstanding, or simply because of geography or time.

Bringing closure to this unfinished relationship does not necessarily mean that you have to write the person, call them, or meet with them (although you may choose to, and in some cases you may have to); it means that you are going to take the necessary steps to bring this relationship to its natural end.

It can happen as simply as forgiving them in the privacy of your own mind and soul, or sending them an apology for the wrongs you committed. Regardless, the unfinished business of relationships can continue to cause damage to your self-esteem.

The Case of Mattie and Bob

Mattie and Bob worked at the same company. They did not work for each other or under the same supervisor, but they had to depend on each other because one portion of their jobs was tied together. Mattie performed a task that Bob relied on to get his job done. Over the course of time, the relationship became very confrontational and there was seldom a pleasant word exchanged between the two.

After a few years, Bob decided to leave the company. A few days before he left, he and Mattie had the worst verbal confrontation in all of their years together. Bob made some horrific comments to her and, in turn, she opened the floodgates as well.

Three years after Bob left the company, he still had issues with Mattie and that last conversation. He was surprised at the guilt he felt for having been so nasty and rude to her. The feeling followed him for another two years. Finally, five years later, Bob decided to write Mattie a letter and apologize for his behavior, his words, and for leaving the relationship in such a condition. He mailed the letter and did not hear anything back from Mattie.

Several months passed, and one day Bob went to the mailbox and noticed a familiar address, that of his old place of employment. He opened the letter to find a reply from Mattie.

In the letter she stated that she knew that they had not always seen eye-to-eye, but that she thought their relationship had been okay. Further, she confided in Bob that she did not even remember the verbal confrontation, but appreciated his honesty — and his apology. She further confided in him that the reason she had not responded was because she was in such a state of shock over getting the letter in the first place. She really did not know what to say.

They have never corresponded again, but with one simple letter, Bob was able to clear up this unfinished business, clear his conscience, make Mattie's day, and put his soul at rest over this one issue.

Forgiveness is one of the many ways that you can assist in the development of your self-esteem. Forgiveness allows you to move beyond the anger and guilt and replace those feelings with peace and closure.

Yourself in the Past

While cleaning out the closets of past relationships, think about one more relationship — your relationship with yourself. How have your treated yourself in the past? Have you loved yourself? Have you respected you? Have you treated yourself as well as you've treated others?

There comes a time, and it is now, that you will need to apologize to yourself in order to move on. If you are truly committed to cleaning up the past, start with cleaning out your own skeletons and putting them to rest.

When is the last time you had a conversation with yourself about forgiveness? Has it ever happened? Have you ever written yourself a note just to say, “I'm sorry that I've treated you badly.”

You are involved in your own past. You are as much a part of your history as your parents, your teachers, your siblings, your friends, and your neighbors. If you've made a commitment to forgive them, you will not be able to fulfill that commitment until you forgive yourself.

Sit quietly for a moment, put this book down, and have a conversation with yourself about the past, the now, and the future.