Happiness is not a birthright. It is not owed to you. But, it is not a pipe dream and it is not impossible. Happiness is a habit that can be obtained just as you obtain the habit of having caffeine, or the habit of dessert after a meal, or the habit of saying, “bless you” when someone sneezes.

It has been said that if you do something for 21 days, without fail, it will become a habit, a ritual in your life. Most people spend time trying to change or break habits. You may not have spent time practicing obtaining a habit, but the habit of happiness is one that is worth practicing.

The Habit of Counting Blessings

Yes, bad things happen. But some of your happiness is determined by being able to look at the good things that still exist in your life, such as your family, your friends, your pets, flowers on the windowsill, rain, sunshine, the ocean, your health, love, passion, and other pleasures large and small.

It can be hard to count a blessing when tragedy strikes. Sometimes it is hard to even face the morning, let alone another day or month or year. However, learning to look at the good that remains will help you with your healthy self-esteem plan and will help you find joy once again.

There is an old Chinese story that tells of a poor farmer who depended on his horse for plowing and getting around. One day the horse left. The neighbors approached him with sadness and talked about how bad it was. The poor farmer said, “Maybe.”

The next day, the horse returned with two other horses. The neighbors approached him with happiness and talked about how wonderful it was. The poor farmer said, “Maybe.”

The next day, the poor farmer's son tried to ride one of the horses and it threw him and broke his leg, rendering him unable to work. The neighbors approached him with sadness to talk about how bad it was. The poor farmer said, “Maybe.”

The next day, the army called on the boy to serve. They rejected him because of his broken leg.

The Habit of Spinning

You've heard of the “spin room” in politics. This is where politicians go to put a “spin” on what has been said. Spinning means that you take the information that you have and make it work for you. Spinning is important to your self-esteem and happiness because it teaches you to take the unpleasant, the bad, the ugly and find good in it.

You look at the car accident in which you were involved and you don't see the accident, you see that it was a wake-up call to drive more carefully. You look at the divorce that you just survived and instead of seeing the pain and loneliness of being left, you become thankful that you did not spend one, five, or 30 more years and then find out that love was not really yours. This is the magic of spin.

The Habit of Helping

Helping a person in need is surely one of the most magnificent offerings you can give another person — and yourself. The feeling is beyond measure when you know that you helped alleviate someone else's suffering. Helping another person can be as simple as offering a listening ear, to helping someone with car trouble, to pulling him or her from a burning home. Not all of your efforts need be monumental. Sometimes, the simplest acts are the ones that mean the most and help the most.

The Habit of Being in Control

When you are in control of your own destiny, your life begins to change and you begin to feel happiness, a joy and peace that you have never known. Allowing others to control your life, your actions, your thoughts, your desires, and your needs is quite damaging to your self-esteem and keeps happiness at bay. Starting small, begin to take control of your life. Set a goal and work toward it on your own. Arrange your own schedule. Take time for yourself and your needs. Being in control of your life is paramount to happiness.

The Habit of Empathy

It has been said that “empathy is your pain in my heart.” Empathy means that you have allowed yourself to listen to and become involved in another person's life. They may be in pain, but your happiness comes from knowing that your ear, your smile, your voice, and your presence are helping.

Empathy means that you try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. It means that you look at their life and problems from their perspective, not yours. When you have empathy for others, you begin to understand just how connected we all are and how much joy can come from the feeling of “oneness.”

The Habit of Self-Disclosure

Self-disclosure means that you allow yourself to be open. It means that you have enough trust and faith in others that you can share your life, your dreams, your pains, your desire, your frustrations, loves, goals, and passions with another human being.

In doing so, you are opening yourself up for great happiness. You are also opening yourself up for great pain. Self-disclosure is a double-edged sword. You should, and need, to be open with people, but you have to choose the people whom you trust enough to let into your life.

The Habit of Fitness

The simple act of walking can reduce stress and depression. The lack of activity in your life can be causing you unhappiness. Everyday you need to walk or exercise or jog or run or roller-skate or swim — something to get your energy level up. Fitness involves more than physical fitness, it involves emotional and mental fitness as well. Get into the habit of taking care of your body and in turn, your body will take care of you.