Phil was completing graduate school and one of his last professors was Dr. Bill Wright. Dr. Wright was the first openly gay professor Phil had ever had. He was a highly regarded faculty member, a writer, a speaker, an activist, and a scholar in curriculum design and gay studies. Phil listened over the semesters as students in various study groups discussed Dr. Wright's sexual orientation. Most had no problem, but some people made disparaging remarks.

While in a workshop one day, someone asked him about his sexuality. Dr. Wright made the following statement: “What you think about me is none of my business.” Let me give that to you again. What you think about me is none of my business. Profound.

When you think about Dr. Wright's statement, you realize just how brave that statement is and how much self-esteem one has to have to ever think it, much less say it out loud. He went on to discuss the fact that the students present did not know him as a private citizen, as a son, a brother, a partner, an uncle, or a friend. When you think about it, how many people know us in every capacity? Dr. Wright's statement is prophetic. He was right. Others' opinions of you are none of your business, because they don't really know you.

If you can get past others' opinions, you can have the level of self-esteem that Dr. Wright has. So often, it is too easy to become consumed by what others think, what will be said, and what might “get out” about you; you become paralyzed by other people's opinions. You're letting others' opinions influence your actions, your beliefs, your behaviors, and most importantly, those opinions affect how you see yourself.

Has there ever been a time in your life when you chose to do or not do something simply because of what people thought of you? When you succumb to this type of behavior, you can't help but damage your self-esteem. When you seek the approval of others to this degree, you suffer, and your psyche suffers.

A Dream Terminated

When Samuel was in the tenth grade, he was interested in the medical field. One day while driving by the local hospital, Samuel stopped to ask about volunteer work. The volunteer coordinator was enthusiastic about his interest because as she put it, “We can always use volunteers, but we especially need men to assist with lifting and turning patients.” He was excited about this opportunity. It was one of the very first things in which he had ever had any real interest.

When Samuel went to school and told a few people that he was going to volunteer at the hospital, everyone began calling him a candy striper, a term used exclusively for female volunteers. “Men don't volunteer as candy stripers,” he heard time and time again, even from some of his teachers. He heard it so often and was so worried about what people were saying that he called the volunteer coordinator and withdrew his name.

Years later, Samuel still wonders what that volunteer work might have led to. Could it have changed the course of his life? Could it have given him a sense of belonging and purpose much earlier? He'll never know, because he was too afraid of what others thought of him. This fear damaged his self-esteem in more ways than can be listed on this page. If only Samuel had heard Dr. Wright's statement early in his life.

Truth versus Opinion: Testing Your Beliefs

When you have a belief, you are essentially saying that you think something is true and accurate. A belief is the act of having confidence in something. As you work toward healthier self-esteem and begin to evaluate your beliefs, you will need to determine if they are truths or opinions. Opinions are unproven statements that are held as truths but can't be proved or substantiated. Truths are statements that can be proved scientifically.

Some beliefs are rational; some are irrational. Rational beliefs are logical, and at some point can be proved. They are based on more than innuendo. An irrational belief is a belief that is based on unreliable, unreasonable, illogical, and incorrect information. Think for a moment about some of your beliefs. Do you believe that you are a nice and friendly person or a person who is rude and insensitive? Do you believe that you have capabilities and talents, or do you believe that you are not good at many things? Do you believe that you are nice looking, or do you believe that you are unattractive? Do you believe that you have worth as a human being, or do you believe that you are worthless?

You need to look at your belief system to determine if what you hold as true really is true or if you have just convinced yourself of it over the years. Perhaps others convinced you of the belief and you never bothered to prove them wrong.

Myrtle was a wonderful woman, a kind and giving soul who worked hard to be a productive citizen, a supportive mother, and a loving grandmother. She had always wanted to drive a car so that she would not be so dependent on her children. However, if you ever asked Myrtle why she did not get her driver's license, she would tell you in an instant that she was not smart enough to drive. “I'm just plain stupid when it comes to cars. I'd never pass the test.”

One day, Myrtle made the comment to some friends about driving her mother to the grocery store in her teens. When queried further, Myrtle revealed that she had her driver's license when she was younger. After she got married, her husband continually told her that she was a bad driver. Then, her friends and children chimed in over the years until she finally let her license expire and stopped driving.

She firmly believed that she was an awful driver because she had heard it so often from family members. This is a perfect example of how others' beliefs can cloud your own judgment and play a major role in what you believe about yourself.