Is there any question that when they were little, your girl thought the world of herself? She was able to strut with confidence in even the most ridiculous of wardrobe choices. She spoke up and loved what she said. She saw herself as fabulous. Then came the early years of adolescence, and all seemed to change. What happened? And what can you do?

Middle School Shifts in Self-Image

According to a Harvard University study, a vast majority of girls experience a shift in their self-image toward the negative in the middle school years, around or at about age twelve. There, the study says, educators see a drastic decrease in self-image and in academic achievement that they don't see in boys. Why? One reason could be simply tied to changes. “Good girls” have by this age internalized a lot of messaging. They must be sweet. They must be thin. They must do well at all things and never cause trouble. With all that internalization smashing up against the external reality (her body is changing; these years can be the “puffy” pre-period years and sometimes even the development as a female scares them; hormones and pressures may cause them to act out as they know “good girls” should not), girls can struggle with how they see themselves versus how they think they must be.

Educationally, things could shift as well. Confused girls back off from schoolwork or struggle more. Slipping from perfect can make them question their worth in their own eyes as well as in yours. It's a good idea to share with your daughter your own doubts and fears at this age. Of course, she doesn't act like you could possibly know anything, but your message will sink into her somewhere. Talk about the year you shot up in height and felt gawky, only to find out years later all your short friends were envious. Or if she is slow to develop, point out others you know were too. Let her know that every teen girl's body is as unique as a snowflake, and if she can learn to just adapt to hers as it changes these years, she'll see she's not different from any other girl, because they are all unique.

“You're Special! You're Special!”

Ever notice that today's children seem to get a trophy for everything? Parents — and society to a point — have bent over backward to make every single child on the planet feel like she is special. And she is. But it's important to remember: children are mere humans. They will fail at something, and as life gets more complicated, they won't always be a winner. Driving home the “you are special” message on a daily basis from the day they are born might not be the best way to help your daughter form her self-image. If you've done this up until now, you may just have a child who assumes she is the center of the universe. Narcissism can be the result, with your child thinking all revolves around her and everyone should constantly not just pay her attention, but pay her adoration. Studies have shown that girls who develop into this self-image tend to have shorter personal relationships, are more prone toward aggressiveness, and can be dishonest and overly controlling. This is not what your goal was when you first started telling her she's “special.”

Schools and sporting teams can lean toward the “We're all special!” trend too. Cooperative games that all can “win” at the same time; trophies and ribbons even for last place competitors: it all sounds esteem building, but in fact, it's not. What if your daughter could learn that life is about experiences, and that even if she's not given a prize or told “You are special!” she can enjoy life for what it is: a series of ups and downs and challenges, all of which make her personality more complex, richer, and just plain interesting?

Parents who have long chanted, “You're special,” at their daughters need to take a step back from that and learn to be real about who their daughter is and what her place in the world is.

Many employers today complain about entry-level workers who expect too much. They've been coddled and “rewarded” for their every move all life, so when it comes to work, they don't expect to have to work hard or even get a negative (but useful) review. Parents need to keep this in mind — even if their girl is “special.”