Years of being told she's special and of winning trophies for just about anything may have clouded your daughter's expectations and robbed her of how to deal with rejection (which all people experience at some time). Coping with these issues takes maturity, patience, and understanding. Is your teen up to it?

When Reality Pales to Expectations

She expects to be class president or the captain of her sports team, only to see another teen step into that role. She was a star in her middle school and now suddenly she's just one of a million at her large high school. Girls can be crushed emotionally by expectations that, as unrealistic as they may seem to most adults, seemed like a done deal to her. How do you get a girl to understand that crushed expectations can build character? The first step may be helping her to embrace her realistic expectations (“I will be a doctor when I grow up” or “I will work hard enough in school to get into a decent college”)and to adjust her possibly unrealistic expectations (“I will win America's Top Model” or “I will date the cutest senior boy in my school”). Helping her to understand that controllable expectations are vital (studies show that girls with positive expectations have lower rates of teen pregnancy and alcohol and drug use), and that unrealistic expectations are wild dreams rather than true goals, is a good way to start.

So what if her reality falls drastically short of all she dreamed? If she's reasonable, its time to help her take stock in all that is good in her life. Point out her victories and her wonderful experiences. Show her where she has achieved and impressed, even if she was not Prom Queen or Homecoming Queen. If she can learn to notice her daily victories, the sting of an unrealized expectation might be less painful. It won't go away, but it can be numbed with other victories.

Rejection

She's been turned down by a boy she liked, or she was not chosen for the school talent show finals. Rejection hurts, even for grown-ups. It's impossible and wrong to tell a girl to just let it roll off her back: we all feel hurt and saddened by rejection. But here's a thought to share with her as she deals with whatever rejection has stung her: It's not what you do with your life when all is going well that makes you who you are, it's how you deal with the hard times and rejection that show your character. Easier said than done, and even most adults struggle with that. But present that concept to your daughter and see if it sinks in. Don't insist she buck up and not cry, but do suggest she look at the entire situation. And here's a thought: is she crushed by her own disappointment or the fear of yours? If you built up a chance too much, she may fear she has let you down. Make sure she knows nothing is more important to you than her happiness.

Parents should encourage their daughters to have a good (and private) cry if they are crushed by rejection. But there must come a next step, and it needs to come quickly. Your daughter needs to look at why she was rejected and then, instead of fighting back, figure out if she really needs what she thought she wanted or if, in the end, she's just as well off not getting what she dreamed of. Often, this exercise can open up a new and unexpected door (a new boyfriend she never considered before who is quite nice or another school program she finds is interesting and challenging, for instance). It is said that time heals all, and that might just be the case with some rejections and your daughter. Ask her to reflect and be patient and see what life brings her next. It might just be a great and positive surprise.

Such mature reaction and reflection is a trait all teens can use, but even most adults don't have. If you can help your daughter do this and help yourself at the same time, you'll be the better for it.