SNL character Stuart Smally said it best: “I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and — gosh darn it — people like me!” How difficult is it to get a teen girl to adopt that mantra? In her mind, she may fall short often. Helping her understand that sometimes she will and other times she won't will help her adopt a healthy, realistic yet positive mantra of her own.

Competence

Everyone cannot do everything well. But, everyone does some things well. As your daughter makes her way through middle school and high school, it will be crucial for you to remind her of that constantly. Let's say she's not the top student in history. She struggles with the memorization of dates and events. A girl who does well in other subjects may begin to doubt herself as a whole. “If I stink at history, I must be a lousy student” is a frequent reaction. Teachers and parents who notice this might want to help her see that no one (or almost no one) excels in everything. In addition, parents may want to ask her what hinders her in that class, and how she can apply victories in other subjects to this more problematic course.

Competence issues can stretch out past school work as well. From sports (where body changes can change how a girl performs in a sport she has long loved) to social situations, your daughter may question herself regularly. Parents who can help a girl share this dialogue with you or even a sibling rather than internalizing it will find they are able to keep their daughter feeling good about her abilities, even if she stumbles from time to time. This is not easy: most girls do not want to admit they question their own competence. If she can realize that everyone, every age does, that can help.

Being Honest about Her Abilities

So what if your daughter dreams of winning American Idol but her voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard? Parents have a hard time with the idea of dashing a daughter's dreams. After all, her dreams are so much a part of who she is. But a bit of honesty, doled out in a caring and real way, can do a girl better than turning your back to what you know is destined to be failure. By steering her to another activity or by helping her to see this is one she can do for fun but must not expect to be a world leader in, you're helping her understand her competence and put it into perspective.

Parents don't always see their own child clearly. You may see her dancing as world class simply because your love and pride fogs the real picture. But as she passes from the time in her life when she needs to sort out the difference between hobbies and serious pursuits, it's more loving to let her know she needs to face up to her abilities (or lack thereof) and adjust her life accordingly. That doesn't mean she has to quit dancing if she has two left feet. There are dance programs and schools for girls who simply love to dance. Parents who help a girl see that are helping them find a way to do what they love and not feel like a failure. That's a lesson that crosses over to all parts of life.