E-mail is now the “snail mail” of online communications. With things like instant messaging (IM'ing) and text messaging, kids today have instant communication at the tips of their fingers every moment of every day. This instant access impacts a girl socially, psychologically, and even academically.

It's an IM World

Instant Messaging (IM'ing) is perhaps the number one way your daughter is communicating with other kids. Most teens log in an incredible amount of hours each day IM'ing one another. IM is available through America Online (www.aol.com) and also through other hosts such as Microsoft Windows Messenger. But AOL IM is the leader of the pack. How does it work? Your daughter chooses a screen name and then signs up for the free service. She has a “buddy list” of people she wants to communicate with regularly. AOL gives an option to be private (that is, screen buddies must ask to be linked directly to her) or to be public (that is, anyone can begin chatting with her). Obviously, you'll want to insist on the former. While online, your daughter can chat with as many other buddies as she wants to at the same time. The pace can be furious at times.

Girls (and all kids) are currently obsessed with IM'ing. Think you want to turn a computer off while you are out? Watch for your daughter to have a fit about it, because all kids like to leave their screen names signed on and put up an “away message” so the world knows where they are and what they are doing. They like this, too, because friends can post “away notes” to them, which will stay in her IM box and be ready for her to read when she returns from wherever it is she was going. Such activity can eat up your electric bill. Explain to your daughter why you must shut the computer down when you go out for long hours or travel somewhere.

Text Messaging

As if all that IM instant access were not enough, kids now have instant communication quite literally in the palm of their hands. Text messaging, done through a cell phone, is the rock star of kid communications today. Because most adolescent girls now have a cell phone with texting services, they can drop short quips to one another all day long. In a way, it's good for you: you can check in on her at any time. But it can be excessive at times, like at family dinner when she stops eating to read a text, or in the car on a family trip when she's engrossed in texting and ignoring you all. Insist on “text-free” times in every day, and stick to them. Demand that the phone be turned off so that you don't keep hearing her phone signal that a text has come in.

In order to text your daughter, a person would need to know her cell phone number. But, that does not mean it's completely safe. Often, a friend will pass her cell phone number on to another person your daughter may not know, and she'll get a text from a stranger. Try to encourage her not to accept those text messages, and to erase them and block the stranger from being able to text her.

IM and Texting Addiction

It's no joke; the instant gratification girls can get from IM'ing and texting can be addictive. The IM world is like a fake social world. She can say what she wants and not be nervous about it because, online, she need not look people in the eye or see their reaction to something. And the whir of activity when dozens of other kids are IM'ing her at the same time can seem like heaven to a girl who just wants to be “popular.”

This is why limiting access is crucial. Think about it: if she's IM'ing a dozen kids while doing her homework, how much can she truly focus on her schoolwork? The constant distraction (and by something she likes much more than homework) can lead to school trouble.

The same goes for texting, particularly during the school day. But watch when you tell your daughter you are limiting her use. She'll be in pain, and this is because these communication tools are truly addictive.

The addiction comes partially because she feels “Everything is happening online.” And truly, a lot is. But she needs to socialize in a face-to-face or at least voice-to-voice way as well. Today's girls recoil at the notion of using a landline phone, but try to get her to every once and a while. The “I am in control” world of cyber social contact should never completely replace face-to-face contact, no matter how much she protests. You can also set boundaries for where and when texting is allowed. No phones at the dinner table might be one rule; no texting while driving in the car with the family might be another. The world seems to have forgotten manners with this new technology, but don't let your daughter forget them.