Gay or straight? How about bisexual? While some gay and bisexual adults claim to have known since birth what their orientation is, the teen years are rough ones for them; years they may fight who they really are or may be confused. The good parent knows how to help a daughter look at how she feels and sort out who she is. Hard work indeed — even psychological experts have yet to delve deeply into this issue.

If She Thinks She is Gay

Your daughter may find herself attracted to another girl. Does this mean she is gay? The question will swirl in her mind. By educating her before this might happen, you may help her come to the answer easier.

First, it is important for girls to know that in the teen years, they may feel attraction to someone from the same sex and not be gay. Most doctors agree that homosexuality arises partly from genetics and partly from the environment a person grows up in. They also agree that girls can have an attraction to another girl and not be gay.

You'll want to tell your daughter that the rules are the same regardless of whether she is attracted to boys or girls: she is not to act out her sexual desires at this young age. However, if she feels that she is always attracted to girls and never to boys, she should talk to you.

If she suspects she is gay, she may fight that feeling. After all, even in today's more open society, being gay is not an easy road. And teens who don't want to feel different in the first place may be initially horrified at the idea. Send her the message from an early age that being gay does not make someone any less a good person. Show your daughter, through your actions, how you accept people regardless of their sexual orientation.

If She Is Gay

So she comes to the point where she knows it: she's gay. This can be a difficult time for a child and a parent. First, even after you embrace her with all your love for the person she is, you may feel heartbreak and worry. Will she be discriminated against? How will she have a family? How will you work at making all your lives “normal?” You, parent, will need to tackle these personal issues without projecting them onto your daughter. This way, you'll be the first person she sees that she truly does not need to feel shame.

When and if her sexual orientation does become public, she could face some public ridicule. It takes a strong girl (and a strong woman) to “come out” as a lesbian. Chances are, your gay daughter will do this with you, her family, first, and then with a few close friends. As she builds confidence and supporters, she'll be ready to come out to the world. But don't make it on your terms; let it be on hers.

She'll know when the time is right. If she wants to be public and vigilant about it, you'll need to be ready to support her and possibly take some heat of your own. Remember, parents are often “blamed” for homosexual children by those who rally against homosexuality.

It is important to remember that the same rules you'd have for a heterosexual daughter will be in place for a homosexual daughter. She's too young for sex. She needs to practice safe sex if she does do it. And she needs to work slowly toward mature relationships, not dive headfirst into one she is too immature to handle. If you can get past the struggles and treat the situation just as you would if your daughter were heterosexual, both you and your daughter will be better able to deal with it.