When to Punish and When to Ignore the Issue
Each person has his own level of acceptance, be it for backtalk, rowdy behavior, or just plain acting out. It's important, though, to make sure you set your level not at a place that benefits you as a parent, but a place that benefits your child. It's your job to raise her well and keep her safe, and your own personal comfort comes second to what her needs are at this time.
It is impossible to foresee all the issues you'll need to grapple with your teen girl. Who knows, at the start, if she'll be a homebody or a party girl; an outspoken rebel or a shy child? But ground rules can be set from the start, in a way that arches over most instances you may have to face. Parents should sit down first and discuss their own feelings about ground rules before sharing them with their daughter. Do both agree that if a punishment is threatened and the situation continues, there is no turning back from enforcing it? Are there levels of acceptable punishment you both feel comfortable with? By coming to agreement on these things privately, you'll be able to always show a united front with your daughter.
Essential
Write down the ground rules. You don't have to hang them in the foyer, but putting these concepts in writing for both parents to agree upon works like a contract of sorts. They do look lovely on the refrigerator. There will not be room for misinterpretation later.
The first ground rule has to be, clear and simply: there can be no such thing as an empty threat. If you say to your daughter, “If this does not stop you will not go to Suzy's party,” and then when the act does not stop you still let her go to Suzy's party, you can forget about the impact of your future talks or the respect she might have for you carrying through what you say. This can be difficult for parents. Often, threats will fly out of your mouth that you instantly regret (“Suzy's party is so important to her; now that I'm calm I feel like I really should just let her go. And anyway, I was angry too.”). As difficult as it is, once you've thrown down a gauntlet, you, as a parent, need to abide by it, for better or worse. A better idea might be to think carefully about the consequences you offer up. Make sure you have a “bank” of them to draw from that will have meaning for your child but that will not make you feel guilty for a long time.
Alert
It's not always easy for the punishment to fit the crime, but try to make them. If a child is excessively back-talking, removing Internet access and cell phone usage is a punishment that matches: she'll be forced to only have you to communicate with and work things out.
The second ground rule isn't so simple either: the punishment cannot stand on its own. You'll need to find a time, away from the heat of the moment, to rethink the situation and talk it through with your daughter. What could she have done differently to avoid the punishment? Show her that she had a way out, so that next time she might possibly consider that option. So what if, during this talk, you realize you may have overreacted? It's important to be honest and open with your daughter. Tell her that in hindsight, maybe you could have eased up on her. But also tell her that parenting is not easy, and if you are going to err, it will always be on the side of what is best for her.
What about the idea of just letting some of this roll off your back? Some parents find this the easy way out in too many cases; others avoid ever doing it for fear of losing their respect (and yes, their power too). Let's say your daughter has had a particularly bad week. She got cut from the high school soccer team, her boyfriend dumped her, and she got excluded from a party she really wanted to go to. Unfortunately, you are the safe place she can vent her anger. While it's not acceptable, in context, it is certainly understandable. It's an old adage: people are kinder to strangers than they are to those they love, and in a way, your daughter's lashing out at you in unacceptable ways at these moments is a sign of her deep love and trust for you. So can you just let it go? No, but you can cut her some slack. Be careful about throwing out ultimatums at this time. They are the ones you truly regret days later.
Question
What about dangerous or illegal acts at unstable times?
No matter what the situation, any act that is dangerous or illegal demands your immediate action and punishment. Your daughter's safety comes first. And you need to show her more healthy ways to work through troubles.
What if you told your daughter she absolutely could not ride in Cindy's car on Saturday, only to find out she did? Mind you, every other kid in town is riding in Cindy's car, but you told your daughter not to. Punishment is needed, but so is further thought. Can you talk reasonably about your concerns with your daughter, and if she has a reasonable response as to why you are wrong, can you change the rule? Absolutely. Compromise is a powerful tool to know how to work in life. By not backing down but then being open to adaptation, you'll once again role model good relationship building for your daughter.
