All parents like to say they see signs of it in their children at a very young age: the rare child who seems to know how to share from day one and the little girl who displays empathy. But in fact, development of emotions is a long and tricky process that demands constant support from parents and other adults.

Managing Highs and Lows

Life is a series of highs and lows, but in the adolescent years it seems to swing all the more from one to the other. Parents who teach children that life is never steady, and that good and bad times come and go (and it's what you do with them and how you react to them that makes you who you are) help their child manage emotions. It's tempting in these challenging years to jump in and “make everything all right” for your daughter, but really, that's not helping her to mature. Rather, you need to help her begin the process of managing her highest and lowest moments to the best of her ability.

Let's say your daughter wins the lead role in a school play. She's in heaven, and you are happy for her and happy to see your sometimes sulky teen jumping for joy. But what if she had not won the part? While celebrating her victory, you'll want to remind her that many other girls were passed by, and that they are still worthy, likable, and good kids. This can send the message that while winning is fun, it's not everything, and that pride does not equate to arrogance. On the other hand, what if your daughter set her heart on the part and did not get it? Her anger or even depression over that will need to be managed as well. Try to share with her recent disappointments in your own life, like being passed over for a promotion or something else. Show her that trying was a victory, and that sometimes she will win and sometimes she will lose, but she'll always be worthy.

Proper Expression of Joy and Anger

How many adults have you seen gloat over something they really should keep quiet or lash out in anger about something they should deal with privately? This kind of behavior is usually learned and patterned as a child and teen. Your job as a parent is to teach your child when and how to properly express such emotions. The first step is letting them see and know that you feel joy and anger all the time, and find proper ways to display it. Let's take joy first. In the case of the girl winning the play part (or the team part or the school elected position), of course she's thrilled and of course that should show. But there's a fine line between joy and gloating. Teach your daughter to consider the feelings of others as she's joyful. Is her joy in any way at the expense of others? If yes, she'll need to rein it in a bit.

Anger can be even tougher to show, not show, or control. It's not right to stomp around raving mad every time something upsets you, but neither is it healthy to swallow your anger and never release it. Learning how, when, and why to show anger is truly a challenging task for girls and for adults. The first step toward helping your daughter know how to do this is knowing how to yourself. Do you tend to fly off the handle and yell? Then do expect to see that behavior from your daughter. What if you could learn to use words in a passionate but sensitive way to express your anger about something? What a skill that would be. Try, as your daughter grows, to have her learn to talk through her anger with you. Even if she's inappropriate, at least she's in a safe place where you can hear her out and then help her figure out how and if to express her anger to others. And remember: time heals a lot. While you never want a child to learn to deny true anger, it's a good exercise to learn to put some space and time between what angered them and their eventual reaction.

Aggressive Versus Too Aggressive

No one wants their child to be the passive doormat; nor does anyone want them to be the bully. Yet, developing a good level of acceptable aggressiveness is tricky.

Assertive behavior, aggression's positive counterpart, occurs when children satisfy their needs in a direct and energetic manner while still respecting the rights of others. The need for control and mastery still exists, but it is motivated by the desire to become competent and self-reliant with a competitiveness that is not destructive or hostile. In other words, a girl learns to stand up for what she wants or needs (or deserves) without attacking others in the process or allowing others to feel attacked. This is tricky for girls more so than boys, because society views aggression in girls in a negative way more so than in boys.

Over-assertiveness can become violence. Violence doesn't occur in a vacuum. It involves multiple factors, and feelings of anger, shame, poor self-esteem, and powerlessness underlie violent behaviors. Once violence becomes a coping mechanism, it turns into a habit that is difficult to break. Violence then leads to more violence because the perpetrator feels justified in her behavior as violence becomes a way of life. Any signs of this in your daughter need to be dealt with, and professional help should be used.

But remember: everyone has angry thoughts from time to time but not everyone acts on them. Remember when you talked at home about wanting to make a snarky comment to your mother-in-law but never did it? That's a form of working things out. Encourage your child to use her imagination with you or someone safe, but then to know its nothing she'd ever really do. Sometimes knowing she can just come to you and voice her feelings is enough of an outlet to help make things better.